Rules of engagement

I love my people. The all in their own way speak to the person I truly am. I'm not going to lie, I've befriended people I wish I hadn't, I chalk it up to my ridiculously nice nature.However, I love the lessons learned through my friendships through the years have prepared me for a couple friend commandments!!! Here they are, Olivia Pope-style:

5. Do NOT show up to your friend's house uninvited: Quickest way to get tossed out Jazz style is if I am in my 'housewear' and you want to come ringing my bell. It is simply common courtesy to call before you are on my porch.

4. Don't be rude to my other friends: I have friends across many nationalities, races, and cultures. Your personal beliefs are just that, but don't let your feelings about who I chose to spend time with deter our friendship. 

3. Be a tactful friend: Keep it cute in the moment, and talk to me about it afterwards. Enough said. 

2. Don't be that guy: This one can encompass a great many of things. It mostly falls into my life when people try to do the most. I love my friends and my true ones know me like an open book. However, don't be that friend to constantly bring up the obvious. True friends help you will your messes, fraudulent ones love to talk about it.

1. Make me remember you, like you remember me: Find the laughter in everything! As my PGSD ladies can attest to, we find ourselves in the middle of some pretty off the wall stuff Sunday-Saturday. Learn to laugh at it all! Find your fun in the moment. If you are with great friends, any situation can be a great memory.

So as I come down from the mountain top the burning bush hath given me the top 5 Commandments for what to do as a friend.

5. Thou shalt not always be the bearer of bad news. I will always be a a shoulder to cry on, but please do not constantly text me your emotional instabilities. I do care but I cannot constantly hear how horrible your life is. Have a Sun Drop you wretched soul.

4.  Thou shall not be a biter. The worst thing you can do is swagger jack your friend. They like you for who you are so you don’t need to try to be them. Have your own style, sayings, and attitude and we will be just fine.

3. Thou shall be honest. Even if it’s hurt as a friend you need to be unapologetic in your honesty. Apart of your duties as a friend is to keep your friend in reality.

2. Thou shalt respect each other’s differences. I eat pork, but my friends don’t. I make sure that I always offer a non pork option. I have different religious beliefs and I respect my friend’s beliefs. If you love them you will respect their lifestyle regardless of how you feel about it. If it was that big of a deal you wouldn't be friends.

1. Thou shalt always hold their hair while they puke in the alley after a fun night and help them hide the body if it comes to that

I don’t have many friends. I know people far and wide. But there are very, very few who I call friends. Friends are just like family for me. If I go to the moon and back for my family, you can be sure that I’ll do the same for my friends. With that said, not everybody is worth a trip around space, and if you’re a friend of mine, it’s because you hold true to the following five commandments, coveted by yours truly:

Five. Thou Shall Know How to Be Heard and Hush Up.

I am not a pushover, and I don’t have pushover friends. I firmly believe that friends are mirrors of who you are and what you want to be. Therefore, if you have friends who can’t say it like they mean it (and shout it out), it’s because that’s who you are. And if you have a problem with them being this way, you should probably stop calling them your friends and get new ones. My friends say what they have to say, and they’re always honest with me, even if I don’t want to hear it. They hear me out, take who I am into consideration, and then they lay down some constructive criticism. If they think I’m right, they say so. If I’m wrong, they say so, make fun of me, and then we bake cupcakes or watch ratchet Youtube videos while drinking wine and coming up with a plan to fix the situation.

Four. Thou Shall Not Take Yourself So Seriously That You Don’t Know the Definition of Fun.

I have gotten into my share of precarious situations with my friends. From grabbing on men’s behinds to turning an alley into a bathroom to hood clubs to men offering us coke and kissing our foreheads while we try to enjoy tacos, my friends and I have found ourselves in the most absurd situations. But we always have a good time. We know we’re great, but our college degrees aren’t shoved so far up our arses (I heard this Scottish man say that, and I’ve been dying for a place to use it) that we can’t have a good time. Nobody can ever call my friends snobs, even if we do act a little prissy sometimes. Friends shouldn’t take themselves seriously anyway. Putting on airs is what you do for people you don’t know personally. If you can’t be yourself with your friends, then you should go sit in a corner and start figuring out who you are.

Three. Thou Shall Take Your Friend As She Is.

“Come as you are” is not a slogan meant only for church. With my friends, I can be exactly who I am. They don’t care that I’m sensitive, or that I can be a little overly critical, long-winded, or whatever else. They have never asked me to change. They’ve never told me they have a problem with any facet of who I am. The people who have asked me to change have long ago exited stage left. If somebody criticizes you and makes you feel small for any element that comprises your creation, you need not worthy about them or their opinion; rest assured, they’re not your friend.

Two. Thou Shall Support Your Friend.

We all have dreams. Some are more rational than others. As a friend, it is essential that you make your support known. It could be as simple as saying, “I’ve got you.” Perhaps one of the most damaging things to a friendship is feeling like you’re not supported, like your friend doesn’t have your back or best interest at heart. Once a person feels like they’re being left hanging by the wayside with no cheerleaders or hands to hold, there’s no trust. And once the trust is gone, what’s the use? My friends have my back. I trust that wholeheartedly, and nobody could change that.  

One. Thou Shall Keep What’s Done in the Dark in the Dark.

Okay, so the way that that commandment sounds is a little weird. But I’ll explain. I cannot stand people who share everything that I tell them with other people. It is one of my biggest pet peeves (that, and people who say they’re going to do something, but then don’t follow through). If I tell you something, it’s because I want YOU to know. If I wanted those other non-factors to know, my mouth is big enough to run and tell them on my own. Likewise, if I do something questionable and cheeky while I’m out with my friends, I expect that my friends will keep it between us and not run and tell the first person who’ll listen. If you’re a good friend, you’ll want to make sure that your friends are presented in the best light possible. So don’t make your friend look bad by reporting what she told you or did with you that one night to non-factors. It not only makes her look bad, but it also makes you look like a douchebag.

I love my friends but I have very few because I take friendships seriously. If I let you into my life its kind of a big deal. I definitely look for specific qualities in a person as well as observe whether or not they are respectful of the friendship commandments. Here are a few of my most important rules….

5. Remember it’s not always about you. If you attend a friend’s event, remember it’s their event. Don’t try to switch focus to yourself. Don’t only call your friend to talk about your life and problems. Not even your mother wants to listen to you go on and on and never see how her life is going.

4. Boyfriends/girlfriends are not up for trading. Once your friend is done dating someone, doesn’t mean you get next dibs. All that does is bring up old feeling, even if the relationship ended amicably. There are too many other options in the world to be eyeing your friend’s leftovers. Same applies to friendships with the ex. If you became friends with the bf/gf after your friend got into that relationship then when they end you all end.

3. Be respectful and open. Everyone has an opinion! Play nice. Don’t shoot down your friend’s choice in dates, clothes, activities, etc all the time. There is always a bright side. Their favorite jacket may not be your favorite but that doesn’t mean its hideous, it just means you all have different taste. The best part of a friendship is bonding with people who aren’t you. I love my friends because we are all diverse. (But if you know for a fact they are the only ones who would be caught in it then its time for an interfriendtion.)

2. Have fun. Boring friends aren’t real friends meaning if you all can’t click and smile or laugh with one another what’s the point? I have friends because they distract me from the harsh world. We have fun together and we also drunk cry together. Friendships are created for the purpose of benefiting each other. Friendships are supposed to be for moving through life knowing there is a group of people there to pick you up when you fall or warn you if there’s a fire behind the fog. You are expected to do the same for them as well.

1. Put down the knife. If you all are truly friends you wont stab each other in the back in order to gain something else. Friendships are dependent on trust and how can you trust someone who is aiming a knife at your back. Real friends will make eye contact with you while they attempt to stab you. Ok maybe that’s not friendship but you get the point. Friends help not hurt.