My Lot in Life?

As my girlies and I embark on our incredible lives, heading in the directions of ultimate success and basically being “boss b-words,” I cannot help but wonder at what this means for our romantic lives. Despite the fact that history has proven that women can do anything—own businesses, become multi-millionaires, bear children, and, as of recently, fight in combat—it astounds me that even now in 2013, society keeps pointing out to us that we must choose. Romance or independence? Apparently, we just can’t have both.

I realized this when I was telling a group of 40-something year-old men, all of whom were married and attempting to hit on me, my pedigree, my friends’ pedigrees and our goals. One of them said pointedly, “You all are going to have a hard time finding men. Clearly, none of you are in stable relationships.” I decided not to press him on the issue mainly because I wanted them to get away from me, but also because it wasn’t the first time I’d heard that. And having just come out of something that wasn’t that serious, I knew that as misogynistic, baseless and oozing of insecurity as the statement was, there was some truth at its core. As cool as the last guy I talked to was with my ambition, he couldn’t wrap his head around my big dreams that would lead me to various places. He didn’t want to be, as he put it, “forgotten about and ignored.” So we fizzled until we faded out.  But it did get me thinking. How is it that our society is so progressive, yet so traditional? Why do women have to make concessions to avoid a cold bed or band-less finger?

                                        

I get that at the root of these questions lay a number of issues that speak to the behaviors of the sexes and probably some Freudian/Oedipus story, but really, how long can these answers suffice? As amazing as Michelle Obama and Dr. Jill Biden are, it’s no mystery that they made some types of concessions for their husbands’ success. Hilary Clinton certainly did. Granted, her concessions eventually led to her position of Secretary of State, but her health has cut her stint short. But that’s another story. Even Bethanny Frankel, my poster child, my personal example of a woman having it all, couldn’t actually have it all as we saw her marriage to her husband slowly unravel on the second season of her reality show. Her husband made no secret of his insecurity, blaming her success for his dreams deferred.

It’s a grim thought, I know, for women who want their version of “it all.” With every law application I submit and chance to make my own money, I wonder: how badly am I cutting my chances at a healthy, long-lasting relationship with a man strong enough to catch me when I fall? I wonder the same thing about my girlfriends, women by whom I am inspired and admire, every time they share something amazing about their lives. It seems unfair that we are not guaranteed the fairy tales that we grew up on because we aren’t docile and naïve. But what is quite possibly the most disheartening is that one of us, if not all of us, may actually end up making big concessions in the name of love. And though we won’t say it aloud, we’ll regret it because we’ll learn that concession meant settling. Onlookers praise women who “self-sacrifice” for their families, but why must it always be women who do so? Why are women who work hard, dream big, and pursue even bigger called selfish?  In this life, do I really only get two choices?