It's Not You, It's Me.

(Okay...it might be a little bit of you as well but it's not your fault.)

FaceBook and I are not doing so well. This can't be an "only me" problem so I thought I would share. Senior year of high school is when I first joined the social network. It was new and everyone was excited about it. Tagged was played out and MySpace was getting weird. This is how the story went...

So here I am today, scrolling through my newsfeed unamused and wondering how I can fix this. My solution? Make a new page. Duh! I did and realized how boring my page was. All my pictures weren't there, all my friends were not added yet because I could not remember everyone, and I was back at square one, unsatisfied. So in an attempt to fix my problem yet again, I decided to delete friends from my old page. After about 10 minutes maybe 20 people were unfriended. Did you know that every time you unfriend a person the page has to refresh? Yeah it's the most agonized task ever. So I gave up on that and ended up here...writing this post. I know someone is reading this and saying just get off FaceBook all together. To that I say "No *insert grumpy cat face here*". I am on FaceBook for the entertaining group chats (the stickers are amazing on FB Messenger) with my favorite people and to be able to go down memory lane when I'm feeling nostalgic. I guess this summer will have be...

This relationship will be repaired and I will be happy. I don't want to be friends with couples, entertainers, party promoters, young bucks, catfishers, graduates of Hustle University, or game and interest group addicts. Im taking back my newsfeed and I encourage you to do the same. You don't have to suffer. It will get better.

Standing in your season

According to Merriam-Webster a season is a time characterized by a particular circumstance or feature. We are familiar with the seasons of weather, where nature either blooms or frosts, it is easy to determine those, and something we were all taught from childhood. However, can you define the seasons of your life?

People, places and things come into your life for a season. Very few remain permanent, however, what is important is that you differentiate a season from a lifetime.

You stand in seasons, as they help you define your life.

What exactly do I mean ‘standing in seasons’? Allow me to explain. Every season has to be weathered. Be it a good or bad job, good or bad relationship, or living situation. A season is that time period where you are exactly where you should be, to help you grow into what you will be.

It isn’t always easy to be where you are. It is quite easy to be antsy about life or try to advance before your time. Why? Because you think you belong there. You think you deserve something, or someone. It is often confused with ambition. However, throughout your season you start to notice how things fall together.

In the spring, the rain comes and brings the bloom. In autumn the trees lose their leaves and the ground hardens. Life’s seasons are no different. There will be times where things are just extraordinarily good. There will also be times where things are horribly wrong. Its how you weather or ‘stand’ in your season that counts. Just like nature’s seasons, we adapt to wearing coats or flip flops, same with life’s seasons. You will start to realize what needs to be done to get the promotion or job you want that will take you from that entry-level position. You will start to see people’s true colors, and be able to weed out the good from the bad.

Life’s seasons are temporary. They change all the time, however, when the change comes, the way you stood in your last season will determine your success in the next. So my encouragement today is no matter where you are in this walk of life, remember that everything happens for a reason and you are being prepared for the next level. So stand happily in that season, and wait for the next.

“The best is yet to come”- Somebody

Opinions are like....well you know

I find myself telling people this or at least wanting to quite frequently. Especially when it comes to my life decisions. Since it was Mother's Day everyone felt it necessary to wish me this as I passed them on the street. My response was either "don't you put that on me Ricky Bobby" or stare them down. In church several people decided to question why I was not a wife or mother yet.

 I honestly pity those who feel that is the main priority for all women. Yes one day I will put on a big white dress and sign over my freedom...just not anytime soon. I have my own thoughts on children, but that's a three page post in itself. There is happiness to be found in love and family, but why do  have to find it now? There is a world of opportunity waiting for me as an educated twenty something in America and I plan to explore all of it. 

I somehow entered into a conversation with someone who has been teaching for a long time and I was explaining to her the problems I am currently facing. She began questioning why I would even work with small children. You know all those high school kids who can't read well of course they can't because they didn't have anyone to guide them in their formative years. You're welcome. Ma'am I really just wanted a letter of recommendation. 

The best thing you can do for someone is to just listen. Not everyone needs a lecture just to get things are their chest. 

Rut 101

Lately I’ve been in rut. Nothing has been wholly bad, but it hasn’t been all that fantastic either. My life has just been a little lackluster. It’s like I’m missing something. I’d like to think that I’m not the only person that goes through this, that I’m not the only person that has these moments where I feel like I’m on an island with population one—me; in just this one case, I hope that I’m not unique. So what have I been doing to assuage this solitude? Well, a variety of things. Some are healthy ways to deal and others not so much. But I’m human, and life is all about balance. So here’s how I’ve been coping. SN: To save myself from appearing to be a slightly neurotic and unhealthy emotional person, I’ve indicated “unhealthy” and “healthy” next to each.

• Closed myself off from the outside world. This includes being short during conversations, avoiding gatherings, staying as far away from Social Media as I possibly can, and wearing a permanent scowl on a sunglasses-adorned face. Unhealthy.
• Listening to music artists that make me smile and believe momentarily that I am in a studio session with Pharell, Babyface, or Vincent Herbert. Healthy.
• Working out until I am literally dripping sweat and I feel like the only thing that is keeping my legs moving is gravity or some other higher force. Healthy.
• Making plans. And then cancelling said plans because I just want to be in the house. First part, healthy. Second part, falls under the whole closed off thing…unhealthy.
• Reading magazines, watching Fashion Police, marathons of Sex and the City and NBA playoff series games. Totally healthy.
• Shopping. Healthy.
• Spending too much money from said “healthy shopping.” Unhealthy.
• Playing in my makeup. Healthy.
• Reaching out to friends to talk. Healthy.
• Getting testy when friends aren’t available to talk and then ending up being rude to them. Unhealthy.
• Crying. My mom would call this healthy, I don’t.
• Wine.
• Wine.
• Wine.
• Wine.
• HEALTHY.
• Going to bed early. Healthy.
• Going to bed early because I want the day to be over with and then sleeping all day. Unhealthy. 

And there we have it. My list of things that I’ve been doing to get myself out of my rut. I’ll be the first to admit that this list needs a little help. But like I said, I’m human. Making this list has actually helped me to figure out the best ways for me to personally cope when I’m in a rut. And, ironically enough, it’s actually taken me out of it a little bit. So if you’ve got time, sit down and make a quick list of all the things you do when you’re feeling down for no reason (or for a reason you don’t/can’t admit or figure out). Be honest about all the things you do—the healthy things and the unhealthy things. And the next time you’re in a rut, refer to the list. Remind yourself of all the things that you normally do when you’re feeling down. I bet you’ll laugh at it, think you’re pathetic, do one or more of the things on the list, find something to do that isn’t on the list, or do some combination of all of those things.

The worst thing about being in a rut is that feeling you get of complete lack of self control. It’s like the rut controls everything you do and feel. With your already-compiled list, it’s like being one step ahead of the rut. You already know how it operates so even if you’re feeling down, you get to control what you do, how you’re going to feel during whatever you do and the consequence that it’s going to have. Not that damn rut. I think I may have stumbled on to something. Hmmm.

Let me know if this is as genius as I think it is.

A Mile in HIS Mocassins

I honestly think my faith in humanity is waning. I like to see the good in every person, including those who look most sinister. Some call it naivety, but my role on this Earth is not to judge. The reason being, I don’t know that person’s story. I don’t know if they have had a bad day, or if life has handed them a particularly bad hand. However, what I do know is that I always try to help those in need without judgment.

This is not the case for everyone, and I get it there are a lot of people in this world, who will do what he or she can get away with. Particularly when it comes to panhandling. So people are less inclined to donate, or help out their fellow man in the fear that they’re being ‘swindled’.

Terribly enough, Chicago is an epicenter for homelessness. With many thousands of homeless people occupying our streets every night. These are people without a bed, change of clothes, proper shoes, or even proper outerwear for the harsh winter reality. Seeing homeless people, it is tough for us to even fathom, not having a warm place to lay our heads, however this is the reality for many people in one of the most popular cities in America.

This is the case for the life of Ronald Davis. I was extremely touched by his story as told on YouTube a couple of weeks ago. In the short series, Ronald reveals he is homeless and living on the streets of the city. He depends solely on the generosity of others to live. Shaking a cup on one of the city’s streets Mr. Davis is subject to the weather conditions, and the startling cruelty of humanity. People heckle him on a daily basis or ignore his presence altogether. As a human being, place yourself in Mr. Davis’ shoes. Regardless of the history behind how he ended up on the streets, he is still a human being, who deserves to be treated as such. I do not see how people can just walk right past someone who is crying out for help. A person who clearly is down and out, and just wants a little change to eat that day. Yet, I see it everyday. People who ignore the homeless or preach at them about finding a job, or doing something with their lives. Nothing boils my blood more than these people. You never know that person’s tale of how they ended up on the wrong side of a happy story, nor do you really know how far you are from being in their shoes.

Life can be changed completely in an instant; It is terribly unpredictable. However, one thing you can bet your money on is no matter what walk of life a person is from, they expect to be treated with respect. It is simply human nature. So next time you see a homeless person, reply at least; wish them well, or give the pocket change you’ll completely forget about ever having. Since Ronald’s story went viral, there has been an outpouring of support and people helping him to get off the streets. I only hope this will get the ball rolling on the decrease of the homeless population in Chicago. My faith in humanity? We’ll see.

A Love Story, Tried and...True?

The hopeless, hapless romantic in me has always wanted a romantic love story. I wanted the intensity of a love so strong and so overwhelming that it could put the most romantic love story to shame. A love story for the ages. Growing up my favorite romantic comedy was When Harry Met Sally, and for a long time (basically my whole entire life), I fashioned my relationships after that. When my relationships fell flat one by one, however, I started to believe that those sort of love stories weren’t real. I became a tried and true cynic, denying the little princess that lives inside of me the permission to squeal with glee when Ally shrugs at Noah and runs into his arms at the end of The Notebook. And I have to say, minus a few drunken slip ups, I’ve stayed pretty true to my cynical façade. Until now…

Everybody has that one person. Whether you’ve met them already or will in the future, every single one of us has that one person that we are drawn to for some reason. They can put you through Hell, you can vow to never speak to them again, but when your phone buzzes and their number (which even though you’ve deleted from your phone, you know by heart) pops up, you have to respond. My person is the man that I wrote about earlier in the blog post, “Like Wine.” It’s funny when I read that back to myself. Although the post is raw with my truth, I can see my areas of masking, attempting to deny myself the very real love that I have for him. But in my ability to see that, I can pat myself on the back for having grown because back then, I couldn’t see it.

My ex and I did (or rather, do) have a love story. It has the romance, heartbreak, longing to be with someone but X,Y, and Z are not in place so it feels impossible—all that stuff combine to make a true love story. Have we conquered the odds yet? No. Will we? It’s too soon to tell. But I know that what I asked for my whole life, I received. Real, tangible, unrelenting, reach-for-the-stars-over-the-moon-world-series kind of love (yes, that last part is a tribute to my childhood obsession with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen circa “It Takes Two”).

I became a cynic because I never expected the kind of pain that I received from my love story. And once in pain, I never believed that I could feel the profound appreciation and joy that I now feel post-pain. So I cut myself off from romance, classifying it as an impossible ideal. I think that’s what we all do when we are given what we’ve always wanted, but it’s not gift-wrapped quite the way we anticipated it being. Unexpected pain and hardship can harden us. I’ve only ever met one person who’s never been hardened by heartbreak, who remained a true romantic until her very last day, and that was my departed best friend.

I am no longer rocked too much by pain, and I work hard not to let it devalue or trivialize the gifts (especially those that I’ve specifically asked for) that I receive. My ex and I may never get married or grow old together or write down our story and read it to each other and our kids (even though he’s suggested that we do), but at least I know that I did get the real-life intense love story that I dreamt of as a kid. And the best part of it is that something tells me it’s not quite finished yet. 

The Gift of An Old Story

The older I get, the more I appreciate thought-provoking conversations with people. Especially with older people. It may have something to do with my vested interest in people, their actions, and humanity in general, but I think it may also have something to do with the fact that my inner circle is constantly changing, which speaks to my own evolution. Like most people, I strive to have a strong support system because I know that the direction I plan to take with my life will require strength. And while I like to pretend that my strength is innate (and partially it is), I know that my strength comes from other strong people.  Because I have always found deep power in words more so than actions, I derive my greatest strength from listening. I know some of the best talkers. Most of them are older, and I can credit them with being the best talkers because they’ve mastered the art of listening to other great talkers. So I love talking to my mom, grandmother, great aunts and uncles because they hold so much knowledge about people. I can ask them any questions I want, and I don’t have to feel like I’m in some kind of intellectual boxing match. There’s no underlying tension to prove who knows more, which is fostered by and passed on to young people through academia.

Older people have been there and done all that. They can see through all the foolishness and they love using their experiences as teaching tools. I’m coming to understand that in order to battle my twenty-somethings, I desperately need these tools in my back pocket. Whatever that saying is about needing the past in order to navigate through your present and beyond, it’s true. And older people are your portal to the past. I’m not saying that their stories will make this journey of “finding thine self” an easy one, but it can definitely provide you with a little hope—what you’re going through is not unique; somebody else has been there.

So look to some older person when you need guidance that your friends can’t give you. The worst that can happen is that nothing they say helps. At least you’re always bound to hear a really good story. 

Unwritten Rules

A reader asked...

Would you say that there are unwritten rules of the work place? If so, what are they?

I definitely think there are some unwritten and unspoken rules in the workplace. Just like life. For me, I file these rules under the category of “tact.” Before I do anything at work, I tend to measure it on the tact scale. So I tend to not say a lot of personal stuff at work. I try not to even tell people when I’m not feeling well. There are just certain types of conversations you shouldn’t have with your coworkers because they aren’t your friends. Therefore, it’s cool to tell them that you went out with a couple of friends when they inquire about your weekend, but you probably shouldn’t mention that you went bar hopping and drank one too many gin and tonics and consequently hated yourself and all things liquid the next day. That’s just not tactful. I also wouldn’t recommend you bringing your baggage into work. Save the tears, angry attitudes, and drama for your casa. It’s not a good look. Why? Because, it must be stressed, these people are not your friends. And judgment from coworkers can be harder to shake than the judgment of the man you rolled your eyes at on the bus.

I think the biggest unwritten rule at work is remember that these are not your friends and they do not have your best interest at heart. Your coworkers do not owe you anything. I have seen coworkers cut each other in their own attempts to get ahead. Watch your back and remember someone is always watching you. Let people enough into your life to seem human, but they don't need to know every detail of your life. All information is free to be used against you. Watch your own back and do your work. If their is a promotion or raise available even the girl who you share lattes with and kiki it up with at mandatory functions will stab you in the back to save their own behind. Also, if you know you did not bring that item in the fridge don't eat it!

There are definitely some unspoken rules in the workplace. I think each specific 'office' setting has their own. So my first offering, is to come in on high alert. When you first establish a presence in an office setting, always keep your eyes and ears open for some of the 'office code'. Even though you may be 'new' or unfamiliar  you are ultimately expected to learn and live by that specific settings 'code'. (Unless it is something illegal or immoral ;-)
One thing I can honestly say has been a universal office rule is to check your personal at the door. As harsh as it may sound, remember you are there on the clock, as well as everyone else in the building. Business can not wait on you to get over what Bob in accounting said, Lisa in Marketing did, or that Tim in management called you out. Take constructive criticism as just that, not as a personal attack. Remember, you are there to do a job, and not to necessarily establish friendships or personal relationships. The reality is, this stuff will happen organically, because you spend so much time on the job, but be wise enough to separate business and personal.Business carries on with or without you. However, if you bring your personal to the workplace, you may risk compromising your workplace integrity. Which in the long run could damage your professional growth. Always check the personal before you say your first 'Good Morning'. 

I think that there are many unwritten rules of the work place. The more you know the faster you will be able to move up the ladder. In my opinion one of the most important would be to remember that you are at work. You are not a school, a club, or social gathering. Acknowledge everyone, even if its just the mail guy. Let everyone know who you are because you are friendly, not because you are the subject of gossip. Always be courteous to everyone because you never who they are or how they will impact your future. Forming a link with everyone will allow for you to find out about possible opportunities. With that being said its one thing to be courteous its another thing to form a friendship or more. You're at work, everyone has their own motives so don't get too comfortable too fast. Don't assume when you are having a bad day or if you feel like venting, it is okay to discuss that with your coworkers, especially in the office. They are your coworkers first and foremost. They aren't like your outside friends who can be your therapists when needed. Even if they don't have an ulterior motive you never know who is listening. 


Have a question you would like us to answer or a topic for us to discuss? Feel free to submit it to us in the gold box to the right or shoot us an email (PostGradSD@gmail.com).

Today you are You...

My first love was pretty much the coolest guy ever...in life. He was very smart, a doctor in fact. His game was so smooth. His words still linger with me. He had me at "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish". Poetic right? If you havent figured out who I am talking about go get yo life. Anywho Dr. Seuss was a brilliant man. His quotes make me feel hopeful about life. Have you heard "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" or "Why fit in when you were born to stand out"? Did you know that those are his words? Well they are. Here are some more of his words that you may enjoy...

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cell. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living."

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..." (Oh, the Places You'll Go! was a graduation present to me...every graduation. Its so applicable to life at this moment.)

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not."

"Fantasy is necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope."

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"

"Today is your day! YOur mountain is waiting. So...get on your way."

"Think! You can think any think that you wish."

"It is better to know how to learn than to know."

"Today I shall behave as if this is the day I will be remembered."

"Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's a great balancing act."

"You're on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who'll decide where to go."

Hunkering Down

Everyone knows perfection is a myth, but only few can claim that they don't actually strive for perfection.

I am not one of those few. 

I'm not going to lie, PGSD family, I strive for perfection. I do so in every aspect of life. Especially when it comes to work.

A job is one of those places in life, where if you work hard enough to prove yourself, you are rewarded handsomely with recognition, promotions, raises etc. So naturally I come into everyday at work ready to knock someone's socks off. One of the few things I will allow myself to brag about is that I am a hard worker. I have worked hard for everything I have in this life. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, my parents don't have connections in my field, I just have me and what I can prove. 

I've done a lot in the way of my career in the short span of 2 years. I have a job I really like, and it affords me some very rich opportunities. Opportunities, people laughed at to my face when I said I was going to get out of my first real job when I was applying. Anyways, this is my place to shine. I clock in everyday by 8:30am and sometimes don't clock out until 1 or 2 am. I work my butt off for my company, and it hasn't gone unrecognized. However, it is that false strife for perfection that will get you caught up no matter how many 16-hr days are worked. 

Recently I learned I made a mistake, the scale of which I don't even know yet, but it was pretty major in my book. Since the mistake was caught over the weekend, I tossed and turned for the better part of a whole night, and just prayed to get some rest until the morning when I have some semblance of a chance to correct it. 

I thought all night about just turning in my resignation, and poof being done with it, and that's when I realized my problem. I don't see myself as human. 

As a human being, I will make mistakes, I will get things wrong, and mess up sometimes. It just comes with the territory. However, whenever I have fallen in this false pursuit of perfection, it makes me want to run.I only see two ways out of imperfect situations, run like mad or hunker down and face the music. 

The running is away from failure, from not being that perfect person, but what I realized is when you run, you don't learn how to deal with imperfections or failures. You constantly set yourself up for situations where you miss that growing experience. I promised myself a while ago not to run from imperfection, it can only make you stronger. So I chose now to hunker down. Be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best. In the end you may just be pleasantly surprised. 

If I Could Change Anything About My "Adult" Self...

I struggle with how much I should reveal to people. And no, I’m nobody special. I’m not a celebrity or the president, or anyone with a story that people would really be interested in.  But I still struggle with how much I should divulge when I’m forming relationships. I used to think that I had a social issue. I researched it and everything. I talked to my doctor. And we both (read: my doctor) surmised that I was a perfectly “normal” social girl. Good news: I wasn’t predestined to be a serial killer. But I still can’t seem to make sense out my natural inclination to hold back things from people. Of course, at some level, there are issues with trust. But why is it that some people can be such open books, and I can’t? I really realized it when I formed friendships in graduate school and saw how easily everyone opened up to me. Although it’s never been rare for people to open up to me, I was taken aback by how easily these grown adults could speak so freely about themselves. I don’t claim to have low self-esteem. So I know that’s not it. But I wish I knew how to open up more. And more importantly, I wish I knew the right people to whom I could open up. I’ve often run into scenarios where people I tell things to use them against me in later conversations. My personal information has been used as a source of comedy, a way of furthering a petty argument, and a communally shared story. Of course, it wasn’t anything that was super serious or personal, nothing that made me feel very vulnerable, but still its effect was lasting.

I thought blogging would remedy this somehow. In my mind, starting a blog would be a kind of antidote for my tendency to hold things in. In reality, it’s made speaking about what’s really going on, the embarrassments, fears, and the like, even more difficult. Sure, everything I’ve written has been my truth, but I hold back. I spend too much time reworking sentences so that they relay a message that’s a more watered-down version of what’s really happening. It’s weird. But I think that blogging, writing for the public in general, is the greatest way of challenging myself to drop my inhibitions. As I get deeper into my adulthood, I’m beginning to see everything as a sign or symbol for something deeper. And what I’m learning, at least what I think I am learning, is that this one change could open the door for many other things. I have big dreams and if I can conquer not bottling things in and being a little less guarded with myself, it’ll make way for the fruition of my dreams.

Or maybe it’s not that deep at all.

Stay tuned.

Thank You and You're Welcome.

Say what you want about Mr. Kanye West but you can not doubt his talent (and not just musically). I've loved Kanye since Through the Wire. Even til this day I enjoy everything about him including his rants. Why? Because he is who I want to be. I want to be able to speak my mind without fear. We are very similar. Our egos were created Shaq size just like our hearts. Before you stop reading this in order to avoid a Kanye obsession post, I would like to let you know its really not about that. I am writing this to explain how awesome his book Thank You and You're Welcome is. Another life lessons book that's short and very relatable to anyone.

First off, this book is a graphics artists giant slice of cake. The typefaces of the sayings are purposefully created. Kanye West is an artist and it shows with everything he does. The book itself is a small 53 page read filled with what West describes as "personal proverbs" and stories of lessons learned.

"Thank You and You're Welcome" is to describe moments where "both parties give and both parties gain". I read this book often when things don't seem to be going right. There's a page in the book for pretty much everything. My favorite page is "I wonder...would you rather have 100% from an average person or 10% fm someone who is outstanding?". 

You're trying too hard to dislike this man if you find something bad to say about this book. 


BTW...If you haven't got your laugh for the day, here it is (There's no way I can explain this though)

Thank You & You're Welcome.

I wasn't there.

Being who I am, it is rare that I will have enough patience to complete a long book unless it is read in one sitting. I read roughly three to five books at a time and seldom make it to the end of any of them. Due to the fact that this is such a big trend for me I find books that will interest me the most. Fiction is a rare read. I tend to be drawn to non-fiction, specifically (auto)biographies and inspirational books that are a bit quirky. 

Christmas 2011 I was in an independent bookstore with my brother in DC and came across This is Water by David Foster Wallace. I wrote it down with an intent to buy and read it when I had time. Spring 2012 during the end of my final senior year I decided it was time to add it to my collection of reads that were already in rotation. It immediately drew me in on the first page. Within less than a week I was done and reread it immediately because its not like I had any other books to read. (Pure sarcasm if you didn't catch that) 

This is Water is Wallace's 2005 commencement speech to the graduating class at Kenyon College. He begins with a story where an old fish asks two young fish "How's the water". The young fish reply with "What the hell is water?". Deep right? (No pun intended) Wallace explains that the story isn't for him to be that wise old fish to explain life but to merely point out that the most obvious of things are the hardest to see and talk about. The speech goes on to discuss the cliches of commencement speeches, teaching you how to think and how insulting that can be. He tells more short didactic stories that draw you in and make you wonder where is this man going. In the end you realize with the help of Mr. Wallace of course, that life is your real education, your "job of a lifetime". 

I reread this book in hopes that I could create my own graduation memory. Graduation day arrived and I looked around and realized I didn't have a relationship with anyone so when it was time to go though the "remember when" segment of the ceremony I zoned out. Then the speaker began his speech and I focused on him for one or two minutes hoping he would be as amazing as David Foster Wallace. Nope, didn't happen. I zoned out once again. By the end of the whole ceremony I had recreated a graduation ceremony that I would have actually enjoyed. So when I passed a group of graduates discussing what they thought was interesting about what the speaker had said, in my mind i was thinking "I don't remember that". Instead what I remembered was that when I walked across that stage my job of a lifetime was beginning and no degree can prepare me for what I was to start learning. 

Sometimes we have to make our own experiences in order to learn more than what we can receive from any random memory someone else attempts to create for us. 

How to admit your lessons.

Sitting and looking through old pictures and friends a la Facebook and your mind starts churning through thoughts and memories. Lately a subject my fellow PGSD ladies and I have covered is upbringing. How different rules and values shaped us into who we are today. So naturally, it is easy to think back to Little B.

I went for a therapeutic jog this past weekend, and I am thinking back to the rules I had growing up. How I couldn't drink my juice prior to finishing my meal, how I had to be home by 6pm or else my mother was calling the cops, or how my chores had to be done, and grades on par before even asking for anything. I got an allowance, and was taught how to save, and make your money stretch. Also reminded daily that everything you do shouldn't be for the all-mighty dollar. You need to just do for other people, just to be there for your fellow man. Not only is this a blessing to another, but you will be richly rewarded with the experience. 

I used to feel like my adolescence was too controlled. I didn't live in a household where it was okay to talk back to or question your parents. I did whatever I was told without question, and did it wonderfully. There were times I tried to rebel, sure! But me being me, I would always end up doing the right thing. (Or telling a half-truth as I became known for in HS with my parents) My parent's goal was to raise a well-rounded, worldly, educated individual.

When  I got to college and finally spread my wings, I was mad at my parents. I didn't know freedom was that wonderful and exhilarating. I wanted to keep my freedom and not have to answer to anyone, so I made sure in college I was as self-sufficient as my education would allow me to be. At one point, I had three paying jobs and an internship. Granted at times it was very difficult, but that taste of freedom was beyond great and I haven't given it up since.  

Looking around at all my friends, and folks our same age, I see a lot of people stepping out on their own for the first time post graduation. Some don't know how to pay a utility bill, or even write a check. Some don't even have a passport, nor a desire to ever have one. These are things I have been doing since high school. I personally equate the ability to hold your head above water with independence. Sure we all need help sometimes, self included, but if you constantly have to have someone figure out your life for you? You need to sit back and re-evaluate some things honey.

 I find I often times have no patience for people who don't desire independence. You don't have a ride somewhere? CTA is $3. You don't have a know how to file your taxes? Turbotax and H & R Block have an app for that. Do not let your lack of knowledge, know-how, or circumstances hinder you from being great. Get up and do something about it. 

I thank my parents now. I see so many adults nowadays that struggle so much with the basics of the world. My curfews taught me consequences, my allowances were my money management lessons, my restrictions taught me the resourcefulness and responsibility of being an adult.

The world is moving in a different direction from the standards of our parents. Children as a whole are being brought up in an era that is much different and as unexpected as anyone can imagine. In this muck of confusion, I am grateful to have the foundation of my upbringing that has helped to shape me in the person I am today. I have finally become adult enough to realize some things were done for my benefit, and to this day, I can admit I carry those lessons with me daily. 

You embarrass us, you embarrass yourself

I have decided to abandon reality television as my vice. This week I was able to catch a bit of daytime television and I was appalled. There was some trashy talk show on and all I could hear was black women arguing and disrespecting each other. As I watched it I realized that this has become the norm.

It started off as Maury with women loudly proclaiming that one of five men had to be their child's father. Then it was the always angry black roommate on The Real World. Now every show if not filled with banshee, screaming "bitches" it features at least one. I used to live for the attitudes and cat fights of Bad Girls Club, but now as I work in an all white environment I realize that most of these people only interact with black women on television. So i begin to wonder if that's what they imagine I may be like. 

Having gone to an HBCU I have seen a variety of African American women and I know that Rihanna does not represent all Caribbean women and not every woman has the grace and class of Michelle Obama. White women don't face being categorized and stereotyped based on what is represented in the media. Black women do not have that option so when Real Housewives of Atlanta is better known than Scandal, you are automatically seen as a Nene instead of Olivia Pope. Its not fair, it never has been, and guess what it never will be. 

It is a personal decision to abandon Love and Hip Hop (because I have to admit I love Atlanta)  RHOA, Bad Girls Club because I don't want someone who has no regular interaction with African Americans outside of those lost children on the train to meet me and automatically think that I am going to come out of the gate with an attitude. If we don't watch it, the ratings will go down, and it will go off the air. I loved these shows, but there is a greater issue at hand. Think about it. Do it for yourself and your community. 

Une petite thérapie de musique.....

Lianne La Havas is not just an artist, she is a part of a movement. No, I haven't gone rogue and picked up Music Marketing (though I may one day) I wanted to simply share someone whose voice has gotten me through a lot over the past couple of months. The movement is part of the universally gradual return to soulful music. Music that tears into your core and releases that part of you, you buried down long ago. Music that heals and speaks the words, when you don't have anymore to say yourself.

Whenever things are good, bad or indifferent in my life I listen to music. I can remember and place every album that ever had a significant role in my life. When my Grandmother died, I listened to My Chemical Romance's debut album "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" on loop. When I went through a particularly bad heartbreak, Ne-Yo's "The Year of the Gentleman" was pretty much my salvation. Now as I embark on my Twenty-something years, Lianne La Havas' album "Is Your Love Big Enough?" has been my go-to for almost any emotion over the past couple of months.

In one album the UK crooner has managed to make her mark in my Itunes, solidifying herself as probably one of my most played albums. With tracks like "Empty", "They Could Be Wrong", "Lost & Found", the songstress has proved herself a force to reckoned with as she infiltrates the American music scene. I wanted to put my good friends, the readers of PGSD on to this hidden gem of a songbird. Hopefully you will appreciate her music as much as I do!

Here is a sample from a live session of "No Room for Doubt" she recorded through the streets of Paris for La Blogotheque's  Take Away Show series. Enjoy!

Cheesy love quotes

The dreaded Valentine's Day is right around the corner so read some cliches about love to put you in the mood for the shitstorm approaching

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you…I could walk through my garden forever.

Alfred Tennyson

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

Eleanor Roosevelt

But I like you.” He cleared his throat. “I like you first and second and third.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise 

If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation.

Osho

Because if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back… then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.

Sarah Cross 

Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.

Harvey Milk

My Lot in Life?

As my girlies and I embark on our incredible lives, heading in the directions of ultimate success and basically being “boss b-words,” I cannot help but wonder at what this means for our romantic lives. Despite the fact that history has proven that women can do anything—own businesses, become multi-millionaires, bear children, and, as of recently, fight in combat—it astounds me that even now in 2013, society keeps pointing out to us that we must choose. Romance or independence? Apparently, we just can’t have both.

I realized this when I was telling a group of 40-something year-old men, all of whom were married and attempting to hit on me, my pedigree, my friends’ pedigrees and our goals. One of them said pointedly, “You all are going to have a hard time finding men. Clearly, none of you are in stable relationships.” I decided not to press him on the issue mainly because I wanted them to get away from me, but also because it wasn’t the first time I’d heard that. And having just come out of something that wasn’t that serious, I knew that as misogynistic, baseless and oozing of insecurity as the statement was, there was some truth at its core. As cool as the last guy I talked to was with my ambition, he couldn’t wrap his head around my big dreams that would lead me to various places. He didn’t want to be, as he put it, “forgotten about and ignored.” So we fizzled until we faded out.  But it did get me thinking. How is it that our society is so progressive, yet so traditional? Why do women have to make concessions to avoid a cold bed or band-less finger?

                                        

I get that at the root of these questions lay a number of issues that speak to the behaviors of the sexes and probably some Freudian/Oedipus story, but really, how long can these answers suffice? As amazing as Michelle Obama and Dr. Jill Biden are, it’s no mystery that they made some types of concessions for their husbands’ success. Hilary Clinton certainly did. Granted, her concessions eventually led to her position of Secretary of State, but her health has cut her stint short. But that’s another story. Even Bethanny Frankel, my poster child, my personal example of a woman having it all, couldn’t actually have it all as we saw her marriage to her husband slowly unravel on the second season of her reality show. Her husband made no secret of his insecurity, blaming her success for his dreams deferred.

It’s a grim thought, I know, for women who want their version of “it all.” With every law application I submit and chance to make my own money, I wonder: how badly am I cutting my chances at a healthy, long-lasting relationship with a man strong enough to catch me when I fall? I wonder the same thing about my girlfriends, women by whom I am inspired and admire, every time they share something amazing about their lives. It seems unfair that we are not guaranteed the fairy tales that we grew up on because we aren’t docile and naïve. But what is quite possibly the most disheartening is that one of us, if not all of us, may actually end up making big concessions in the name of love. And though we won’t say it aloud, we’ll regret it because we’ll learn that concession meant settling. Onlookers praise women who “self-sacrifice” for their families, but why must it always be women who do so? Why are women who work hard, dream big, and pursue even bigger called selfish?  In this life, do I really only get two choices?

Lesson of the Week: People aren't mind readers

"Sometimes, some things just need to be said." 

-B

Run Forest Run...or jog a little.....your call.

So I have been jogging now for a couple months. I don't know why but one day I just woke up and got tired of having Regina George 'This is the only thing that fits me right now' moments. I put on my headphones and just jog/power walk for an hour or so. Its very therapeutic  It is sometimes the only 'me' time I have away from work, family, and friends. I cherish it, and have seen some improvements over time. One thing I am most proud of is that I take it step by step. I always wanted to get into running, it looked so cool from the outside looking in, but the fact I am top AND bottom heavy slowed that effort down real quickly. 

One night I was jogging with my sister and we were both doing our own thing. She used to be on track, so she naturally jogs better and more polished than I. However, on our way back we both somehow synced to the same pace. With my music in, I was in my own little world, until in my peripheral I saw her gaining on me. One thing I always do when I jog is to pick a destination spot. Since I am a little new to the whole experience, I like to set realistic goals, but still challenges for where I can break. 

As she is gaining on me I took my eyes off my destination and started focusing on her running. What made her better than I, how was her form etc. Needless to say I got distracted and lost my will to finish out. Suddenly what had before, come with such ease, became a burden. I grew tired and got defeated in my spirit. 

That was until I realized that moment is a lot like life. We all have our end goals and plans we see for the future. We are focused on them. However, when we lift that focus to worry about how well others are doing, we stray from our path. We start to lose that perseverance with which we attacked that goal. My lesson learned is to stay in your lane. Not only metaphorically, but literally as well. I am not saying you shouldn't resist a chance to benchmark your success, but when you are focused and determined on YOUR finish, the journey won't seem that bad.