I struggle with how much I should reveal to people. And no, I’m nobody
special. I’m not a celebrity or the president, or anyone with a story that
people would really be interested in.
But I still struggle with how much I should divulge when I’m forming
relationships. I used to think that I had a social issue. I researched it and
everything. I talked to my doctor. And we both (read: my doctor) surmised that
I was a perfectly “normal” social girl. Good news: I wasn’t predestined to be a
serial killer. But I still can’t seem to make sense out my natural inclination
to hold back things from people. Of course, at some level, there are issues
with trust. But why is it that some people can be such open books, and I can’t?
I really realized it when I formed friendships in graduate school and saw how
easily everyone opened up to me. Although it’s never been rare for people to
open up to me, I was taken aback by how easily these grown adults could speak
so freely about themselves. I don’t claim to have low self-esteem. So I know
that’s not it. But I wish I knew how to open up more. And more importantly, I
wish I knew the right people to whom I could open up. I’ve often run into
scenarios where people I tell things to use them against me in later
conversations. My personal information has been used as a source of comedy, a
way of furthering a petty argument, and a communally shared story. Of course,
it wasn’t anything that was super serious or personal, nothing that made me
feel very vulnerable, but still its effect was lasting.
I thought blogging would remedy this somehow. In my mind, starting a
blog would be a kind of antidote for my tendency to hold things in. In reality,
it’s made speaking about what’s really going on, the embarrassments, fears, and
the like, even more difficult. Sure, everything I’ve written has been my truth,
but I hold back. I spend too much time reworking sentences so that they relay a
message that’s a more watered-down version of what’s really happening. It’s
weird. But I think that blogging, writing for the public in general, is the
greatest way of challenging myself to drop my inhibitions. As I get deeper into
my adulthood, I’m beginning to see everything as a sign or symbol for something
deeper. And what I’m learning, at least what I think I am learning, is that
this one change could open the door for many other things. I have big dreams
and if I can conquer not bottling things in and being a little less guarded
with myself, it’ll make way for the fruition of my dreams.
Or maybe it’s not that deep at all.
Stay tuned.
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