Karma was Supposed to Make Me Beautiful

Some things that occur in my life make me question whether or not I am a good person. Why must I endure certain situations? I understand things happening once so I can learn from them but once I understand why must they continue to happen to me. He must think I’m not listening. I promise I understand my lessons after I sit and think. Then again old habits die hard and I tend to test that theory in hopes of not getting burned once more. The problem is that I don’t know how to change my habits without becoming vulnerable. I figure if I continue to do good things and help others I will be rewarded with good situations. Then again karma isn’t about providing you with good situations.

“Like gravity, karma is so basic we often don’t even notice” – Sakyong Mipham

We look to karma for larger effects as opposed to the little ones. After every good deed, I wake up the next morning. I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy. If I kick someone while they are down, I might trip over a crack, get an itch I can't scratch, or forget a meeting, but I would not consider that karma. I guess my point is that too often we take for granted the little things. When something horrible happens we are quick to ponder the thoughts of what we could have done to deserve this. Take time out to be grateful for everything and show it. Give back without wanting something in return.  Everything happens because it can and will with or without our consent. Our actions make us beautiful so we should stop blaming other factors. 

Like Wine

I fell in love—real love—for the first time when I was 19. He was my first of many significant things. He changed me. I thought for the worst. For nearly four years, he was my example of an intimate relationship. I believed what he said. Age had afforded him more experiences from which to draw, and to me, age was like wine. Surely, he was better.

Passion is the best word to use to describe our relationship. Everything we did was done with passion to its highest to degree. When we argued, we did so passionately, heated and fumed by the need to be right. When we loved, passion prevented us to from keeping our hands to ourselves. Blindly, I believed that our foundation of passion would be enough, that it would sustain us. But in this blind hope, I accepted things that, ordinarily, would have been deal-breakers.

He never gave me the full truth. I had to ask the “right” questions in order to receive specific answers. Even when he knew what I was asking. I could ask him something simple like, “Where are you?” His response: “at a friend’s.” A few months later, during a conversation on the topic of friends and exes still hanging out, I’d find out that the “friend’s house” was his ex’s and that “nothing happened though.” I felt like an attorney questioning a witness every time I talked to him. That was our relationship.

But he could never commit to being in a relationship with me. Too many other factors were at play for him. He came up with something every day. Then he came up with a counter-something the next day. And a week later, he came up with something that shut down both of the initial somethings. If you’re confused by all of this, imagine how the hell I felt.

So when he broke my heart the first time, two days after my twentieth birthday, I vowed to leave him alone. He had been caught in his deception—“something did happen”—in what could have been a life-threatening situation for me, and I told myself we were beyond repair. So we didn’t speak for a couple of months. I poured through my journals of our past year, assessing our relationship and finally came to the conclusion that, although I had been naïve, none of what transpired had been my fault. And our end was for the best. So I resolved to move on. Eventually, we attempted a friendship that still teetered on intimacy, but that was short-lived when I found out (through the grapevine as usual) that he was dating his ex again. I asked him about it. He confirmed. And then, I guess to spare my feelings, professed to me how “difficult it is to love two people at the same time,” but that “time had committed him to her.” I cursed him out, then hung up the phone. And I had to begin my healing process all over again.

The next time we spoke to each other, whole entire seasons had passed. Having graduated the year before, he came back to Cornell with some of his students so that they could do some college exploration. I, along with three other current students, agreed to be part of a panel where we talked about college life. When he saw me, I could see the stars in his eyes. At first, I was unmoved. He thanked me for the favor and asked if he could call me sometime. I told him, “alright.”

He called me that night. But it didn’t mean anything. At least, not for me.

The school year ended a month later, and I planned to spend the summer preparing to go to London the following semester. I was focused on securing a job and saving up money. And I did that. But as I worked at the Willis Tower, he worked to gain back my affection. Then he made his grandest act of all: he flew out to Chicago to visit me and extended his stay.

Before I knew it, I was video-chatting with him every night while I was in London, waking up the next morning to him asleep on my webcam. When I got back to the States, we brought in the New Year together in Chicago. I even introduced him to my friends and family. When I got back to Cornell to finish out my last year, we took turns taking the four-hour trip between the City and Ithaca to see each other. We confessed our love for one another and vowed to make this time work because it “felt meant to be.”

But it wasn’t. Old habits die hard, I guess, because no matter what, he couldn’t shake his own insecurities. Passion, alone, could not sustain his vacillated attitude about our relationship. And I found myself falling back into the trap of thinking that I was to blame, that because I was younger and less experienced I needed to change.

Towards the end of the summer, he broke up with me. In a four-paged text message. Then he removed me from Facebook. And stopped answering my calls and texts.

To say it hurt would be an understatement. It rocked my core. But thank God for Grad School because I had an outlet. And I threw myself into it once it started. By the beginning of the New Year, I could say his name without feeling my heart drop into my stomach.

And just like a bad movie, when I healed, he made his way back into my life. This time, I swore, we would only be friends. I made this perfectly clear to him. While I enjoyed his presence in my life, I was not interested in throwing away all the hard work I had done to get over him. He said he understood, and for the next few months, we talked every so often via texts or the phone. Sometimes we dabbled in the “what if” arena, which everybody knows (Phaedra from Atlanta Housewives voice) can be problematic territory for exes. But we always agreed that we couldn’t work because we had very different views of relationships.

And then he tried to make another big, but oddly familiar, gesture: to visit me. To be honest, at first I entertained it, thinking mainly of…well…sex. Then I realized that I had grown out of that cycle, and in choosing to go back down that road would only make me stand to lose more than just my virginity and inexperience. It would cost me my focus, my drive, and possibly my friends. I’d lose someone who had become special to me over the summer (I guess this is the part where I give Brittany, Simone and Ashlee a shout out, but they already have big enough heads. So let’s not). It was then that I knew that I’d grown, and that he, despite his years of experience on me, possibly had not. When I shared my realization with him, it turned into an argument (one-sided because I didn’t care enough to argue, and I really wanted to get off the phone and watch Scandal). He decided not to come.

We don't really speak anymore. I’ve accepted that it’s probably for the best. After all, when you’re wine, water pales in comparison.

-AP

Failure to Launch

"Hi my name is Brittany and I have a fear of failure." This would be the place where you, the reader, responds "Hi Brittany!" No? Ok fine.

I have a true fear of failure, and it has taken me seeing my lowest of lows to even realize how, even at my minor success, that is even possible. I realize I am doing well where I am because I am comfortable. My comfort zone affords me many luxuries and much laziness. It is an uninspired place, but also one where I thrive. I only do what I am good at, and have found I can make a million excuses for NOT stepping out of that zone. Who wants to leave someplace warm and cozy for the the dark reality of the unknown. (Which is my reasoning for why it takes pregnant women so long to have a baby. Like seriously 9 months? That is FOREVER, but I digress)

My fear of failure isn't alone in this though. Her bff is my fear of rejection, and let me tell you, both of them are some b*tches. I say that in the most sincere way imaginable. That is because they are such a hinderance. When you are afraid of rejection or failing in an aspect of life, you only get the opportunities where it is easiest for you to succeed. Sounds weird right? You would want something to be easy to succeed at right? Not me. 

My most rewarding experiences come from when I learn a lesson. Nine times out of ten that lesson is about me. I find I am my best self outside of that comfort zone. When I put everything on the line for something I want or desire, it is so much better than waiting on something familiar.With November coming up, my personal goal is to toss out those fears and start the month uninhibited, and completely open to new possibilites.Its what Oprah would do.

Party of 5

If you could have dinner with 5 people who would they be and why? 

Zora Neale Hurston or George Schuyler
Andy Cohen 
Dorothy Dandridge
Tina Fey
Sandra Day O’Connor

All of these are interesting choices, I know. For years, though, I have adored Dorothy Dandridge. I thought she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen (besides my mommy), and I loved everything she did. By the time I turned 12, I knew every single word to Carmen Jones. Sandra Day O’Connor has been my someone I’ve been in awe of since my freshman year of college when I got to meet her, and she told me, and I quote, “you have a beautiful spirit. Please don’t let the world jade you.” She, then, told me that if I believe I can change history, “you’ll do it. You remind me of me. Only you dress better.” By history, she meant that I could become the nation’s first black woman Supreme Court Justice. Tina Fey has been my favorite everything since I was in the fifth grade living in NH and I was allowed to watch my first full-length episode of SNL. She was on there. Something about her seemed comfortable, cool, down-to-earth and humble. Ever since then, I’ve been dying to hold a conversation with her. Andy Cohen is just adorable, and he just seems like a genuinely good, well-meaning person. I live for seeing him on Watch What Happens Live. Finally, I had to turn to one of my favorite eras in American History, the Harlem Renaissance, and I found that choosing between Zora Neale Hurston and George Schuyler like choosing between Chanel No. 5 and Chanel Mademoiselle. You just can’t. Well I can’t. Both of these writers are everything to me not just because of their works, but because of their personalities. They went against the mold and were often criticized for their less-than-popular opinions concerning race. I love trendsetters. I love people who do things first, not simply for the sake of being the first, but because they can’t help it. It’s just in their nature. What all of my dinner guests have in common is that they are not only intelligent, but they have/had great sense of humors. They get that in order to go through life, you have to laugh a little. Even though Dorothy Dandridge committed suicide, the people that knew her commented on how she was always joking around and laughing.

My list could have kept going. For the record: the absence of Wendy Williams does not mean I don’t want to break bread with her. I just think that dinner would be better with other company like maybe Alex Trebek, Toni Morrison and my grandmother, Gertrude, whom I never had the pleasure of meeting. I still whole-heartedly stand behind my best friendship with Wendy though.

If I could have dinner with five people who the hell would it be?

Michelle Obama: bad bitch contest and she’s in first place. Ivy league educated, associate at the sixth largest firm in America, first lady of the united states, wife, mother, daughter, and looks damned good doing it all. In a day and age where girls look up to Nicki Minaj the queen of basic bitchness it is amazing to see someone like her representing strong black women and dispelling the stereotype that we are neck rolling, teeth sucking banshees.

Mirian Wright Edelman: I love children and will spend the rest of my life working with them. She founded the Children’s Defense Fund as a voice for the millions of neglected children in this country. I want to walk in her footsteps and protect and educate as many young people as possible. I would def ask her advice on how to soldier on on those days I want to choke a child.

Paula Deen: who else is going to fry the chicken?

Malcolm X: Even if I don’t agree with his religious practices you can’t deny the power of transformation and what an education can do to even the most hopeless of individuals. In the end he realized what was going on in his organization and changed his worldview through a closer relationship with God. He lost his life fighting for his beliefs. He can convince you of anything. No one man should have all that power.

Sean Combs or Sam Walton: he’s a complete douche, but I respect every ounce of his hustle. My fellow HU alum went from losing an internship to being the definition of a hip hop mogul. Sam Walton defines wealthy white man. He has so much money his descendants who have never worked a day in their lives are all at the top of the Forbes list. All in all I just want to know about their business acumen and wealth building techniques.  

Oprah: She is everything. Period, point and the blank. She is the idea of everything I would want to be in life. Once upon a time, I ran around telling everyone she was my real mother. This is my truth, deal with it.

Olivia Pope: Her gut is her instinct. I WISH I had that much trust and conviction in my direction. She would teach me a lot about confidence over Salmon. These are facts.

My grandmother: This is the woman that taught me so much in this world. She was the sweetest soul and is still to this day, my heart. Plus she would probably hold my hand and tell me not to be nervous around the ‘rich people’ :)

Barack Obama: He is the leader of the free world and at the same time the most awesome human being. HOW he is able to face so much adversity and still have so much kindness and hope to change, is so admirable.

Michelle Obama: She is just the personification of a phenomenonal woman…..She is literally the epitome of class and dignity, and she does it all with a sickening wrap!

Audrey Hepburn, Jackie Kennedy, Tupac, Harriett Tubman, and my Grandfather would be the dinner party of my dreams. For years I have admired Audrey Hepburn and Jackie Kennedys style. Being able to meet them and talk fashion as well as gossip (If Marilyn Monroe and Jackie were left in the same room what would go down? If I were Jackie I'd straighten Marilyn out for messing with my man.) would be a amazing. In my head they are my best girl friends. Tupac was his own person with his own direction. I would just listen to him talk about anything. I’m sure he could do a commentary on paint drying and I'd be just as intrigued as I would be with him commenting on a fight. Plus I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to know who shot him or if he is even dead. How can you not admire a women who helped free slaves?! Harriett Tubmans selflessness is something I admire greatly. Hearing her first hand account on what really went down would inspire me greatly, especially at a time in my life when I have no idea how to get where I want to be. Last but certainly not least I would like to meet and have dinner with my Grandfather. I never got to meet him but I heard we are alike in many ways. Plus I love hearing family stories that other members tend to “forget” because they are embarrassing. 

FaceTime

One of my biggest problems has always been my skin. I inherited acne, scar prone skin from my skin and it has been a problem since before I even started puberty.  I have gone through cycles of perfect baby smooth skin to severe break outs. There has never been any reason for breakouts they just happen. I got some relief when I started using birth control, but that didn’t help with the oiliness. The amount of money spent on blot papers and powders could buy Steve Harvey his lacefront mustaches for the next ten years.

Desperate for a total solution I started to research the latest in skin technology. My problems weren’t severe enough for prescription meds like that thing Puffy endorses to “preserve his sexy” and I don’t want my children born with mermaid legs so Accutane was out of the question. Over the counter washes tend to contain salicylic acid which can be very drying to the skin. I decided to research all natural skin cleansing methods. Enter the oil cleansing method.

Use oil to cleanse my oily skin you say? Blasphemy! I was beyond skeptical when I first heard about this. I just imagined slathering my skin like I was frying chicken and waking up looking like a connect the dots. I was intrigued by the idea and all of the natural goddesses swore by it so I decided to give it a try. After extensive research on sites such as theoilcleansingmethod.com I decided to try it for myself. I was able to come up with a mixture suited to my individual problems. 

                It takes a lot of trial and error to find the right balance of each oil to determine which will work for you. I am completely satisfied with the results. They don’t happen over nigh but after six weeks of using this combination my skin has completely changed. No more break outs, no oiliness, and no need for moisturizer. Even my scars have started to heal. I swear by this now and will never buy another over the counter product again. You simply coat your face and then rinse with steaming hot water to open your pores and a final cold rinse to close them. You can feel the impurities leaving your skin without any of the tightness that regular washes can cause. If you plan on trying this understand that it is a little pricey and will take time. The end result makes up for all of that though. 

Salmon and Broccoli

Broiled Honey-Mustard Salmon with Broccoli Parmesan is a very tasty but healthy meal I would recommend to anyone. Not only is this meal delicious it is extremely easy (although if you cant cook I would not advise you to remove the skin of the salmon by yourself unless you like visiting the emergency room) and fast.

I never knew how to flavor a piece of salmon well enough to always want to eat it until now. Not only is the salmon flavorful the broccoli does not fall short either. The lemon adds something to the broccoli that when paired with the Parmesan encourages your taste buds to do a couple of jigs. I actually make the broccoli for an afternoon snack sometimes because while being healthy it still tames my cheese cravings.

Broccoli Parmesan (116 calories 8g protein)

6 cups of fresh broccoli

1 tablespoon of olive oil

½ teaspoon sea salt

2 teaspoons ground black pepper

8 tablespoons of grated Parmesan cheese

Juice of 1 lemon

Preheat 400°F

In a large bowl toss the broccoli with oil, salt, and pepper. Arrange broccoli in a single layer on nonstick cookie sheet. Cook for 10 minutes. Sprinkle cheese evenly over the top and back for an additional 10 minutes.

Broiled Honey-Mustard Salmon (281 calories 29g protein)

2 teaspoons of Dijon mustard

1 tablespoon honey

1 4-ounce wild dalmon fillet, skin removed

1 teaspoon ground black pepper

Juice of ½ lemon

Preheat Broiler

Combine mustard and honey in a bowl and set aside. Sprinkle both sides of the salmon with pepper and then lightly coat one side of the fillet with the honey mustard. Place the fillet honey side up oon a nonstick baking sheet and broil for 5 minutes on each side until salmon is light pink. Sprinkle with fresh lemon juice.

When Playing Just Won't Cut It...

What do you do when you can’t pretend anymore? I think I’ve reached that point. I am on fire at my job. I work 16 hour days sometimes, and do it with little sleep. All the while maintaining some semblance of a social life. I think I have reached that point where I can’t pretend this makes me happy anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job. It is everything I prayed for when I was looking. However, I didn’t consider would I be able to handle what comes with it. When it comes to me, and I am trying to prove something, or do my best, there is no off switch. It is constantly on, at all times.

I check my email at dinner, out with friends, type responses, and then hit send. (had to have a brief Dr. Seuss moment) I recently had a startling revelation. Yeah I go out, have fun, hangout with friends and family, but what else? When I looked up, what have I added to my life besides work in the past year and some change out of school? A couple of weeknights at a Zumba class? A couple of stagnant volunteer opportunities?

How did I let it get to a point where I was sufficient with just working? In high school and college, I was that girl that was involved in EVERYTHING. I volunteered, planned events, sang in choirs, hung out with all sorts of people, and tried new things. I let that girl get away from me. I lost her.

What happened to the girl who wanted to design? Who wrote when she was feeling sad? Who swore in her downtime she would do anything possible to make her film production dreams come true? What happened to the girl who wanted to take up guitar and perform in cafes on the weekend to yuppies uptown? Where is the girl that wanted to change a youth’s life with her insight on how to experience life out of the hood?

I thought I lost her. However, last night I realized I let that girl play pretend. I let her convince herself that if she worked hard enough, and lived a little here and there it would be enough; But that’s not enough. How have I let this game of pretend continue on for so long?

Forgiveness

He who angers you controls you

Most of the time when someone hurts you, you have to forgive someone for yourself not for them. If you hold onto that anger it starts to consume and keep you from developing. I’m all about growth, I’m not the same person I was last year and won’t be who I am now come next year. Holding on to the past and things that people have done to you can prevent you from truly developing and reaching your highest potential to become the best you. This especially true when it comes to relationships don’t hold on to what someone else did to you and in turn making the next person pay for it. I was talking to my friend last night and she is just coming out of a really bad marriage. She was saying she doesn't think she ever wants to get married again or have another girlfriend ever in life. (Rain by SWV…. get into it I miss groups like them, Total, 702, Xscape, TLC. Every album gave you life) I had to tell her not every girl is the same and you have to hold everyone accountable for their own actions. Just because one person treated you badly it doesn’t mean that’s what you deserve and that’s all you will find. Use it as a lesson on what you don’t want.

It takes time, but forgiveness is so necessary. You will gain an overwhelming sense of peace when you let go of negative emotions. No one is going to get everything right. Even when it comes to friends and parents you may like to think that your parents are adults and should know better, but they are human and flawed just like everyone else. Even past 40 they may still have a lot of growth and development. My mom tells me all the time that even at her age there is still so much she needs to work on. It hurts when they do things that make you feel like they don’t care about you, but maybe it’s something that they are battling that they have to overcome to have a positive relationship with you. It hurts to let people go especially the ones that you believe there should be a certain type of relationship with such as family, but if a person hinders more than they help you just say “I love you and I release you”

Sometimes you can repair the damage from a relationship and work things out with that person. Both parties have to be ready and forgiveness is the first step. When you hold on to anger and the past it’s like a boat staying chained to the dock. It’s floating and complacent and will never know the depths of the sea.

Better not Bitter/Stop the Clock

A month or so ago I wrote this in hopes to fix what I thought was wrong….

            I don’t know about you all but time has never seemed to be on my side. Time is the only thing with such a wide span but yet seems to be the cause of so much frustration in my life. I never seem to have enough time when it comes to certain things…..things being relationships. Am I the reason as to why relationships I think I want cant seem to blossom into what I had originally imagined? My latest downfall seems to be hurting the most. We began talking around December and it looks like we have come to an end now in September. What may seem in so much time to spend together we only had a few meetings. While those few meetings felt like forever we didn’t last that long. This post is for me to mentally understand what I could have done for this not to have happened, in hopes for could have to become can do.

            I am someone who hates to sit still or be in the house for long periods of time. Due to that issue I always planned ahead, especially on the weekends, so that I would never have an issue of what to do. You however were quite opposite and failed to plan until the last minute. You would ask, I would decline due to have plans that were previously made. To make myself feel better I would invite you along, not thinking that maybe you didn’t want to be with other people and just wanted time for us. I understand now and apologize. In most cases my plans were not crucial and could have been changed but me being who I am don’t like to change things because of one person. You had your own issues with time management but I feel that you already know that.

            I hope that we can try again now that I have realized how I have hindered the possibility of our future. I promise to communicate and compromise with whoever I end up in a relationship with in hopes that time will be cherished by the both of us.

So can we try this again….what did the fish say after running into a wall?

Things seemed to get better until they got worse and I decided enough was enough and officially ended things. Last week things blew up and I had to call my fellow PGSD writers/besties in to have a vodka and cake night. Don’t judge, that combinations helps life, at least for me. My emotions were running high and I couldn’t express myself. The past week I pushed everything to the side and focused on other things until this morning when I getting ready to start my day and listening to Elle Varners Perfectly Imperfect. Stop the Clock was on. The lyrics “This will be the last time, through with letting you keep me on the sideline, they say insanity is doing all the same things and thinking that you’re going to get a different ending” stood out. I had decided to only talk to him and see where things went. The problem was that they weren’t going anywhere and I continued to assume I was the problem because normally it is me. He was the problem. I was always told that he should like you more than you like him. I thought that was what was happening but in reality I wasn’t realizing how much I actually liked him. Every time I’d think that things were over he would reach out and I would forgive him not realizing that we were nothing but a rotating circle of bullshit. I have finally looked at the situation as a whole honestly and finally saw the real him. I’m thankful that this happened, I got to meet a man that was as good or better at playing the game than me. Every experience comes with a lesson. I’ve stopped our clock now its time to start mine back up.

Put Me In, Coach

Today is not one of my best days. My LSAT competency is lacking, and the realization that my six-month grace vacation from Uncle Sam is slowly but surely coming to an end. I have had to result to using my credit card after working really hard to pay them off for an investment into what I hope to be my bright future. I knew the LSAT was costly, but who knew that the admission process, and I do not mean the application fees, would cost so much. And now it’s raining. How poetic. God must empathize with me. As I watch the rain fall quietly from my bedroom window, online LSAT practice manuals resting at the bottom of my computer’s taskbar, I am trying really hard to live in this moment. But I must say it is a task to think about the present when the future looms in the color of uncertainty. That last sentence sounded so gloomy. But it’s true.

I can’t seem to make sense out of why nobody wants to hire me. Of course, I understand all the arguments of reason and rationality supplied to me by so many of my friends and family. But emotionally, reason makes no sense. And it shouldn’t make sense. Reason and emotion lie on separate ends of the spectrum. Rarely can they converge. Let alone do so harmoniously. At least, I’ve never seen it happen well in my life. Emotionally, for me, not being called for a Secretary job is like being told, “I don’t like you” or “You’re not good enough to answer my phones.” Not being called for a really cool job at the Chicago Sun Times or CBS feels like, “You’re not cool enough” or “You’re not skilled enough.” At the core of my emotional self, I feel that tingling sensation of inadequacy that can send a self-proclaimed perfectionist into hysteria or manic depression. I personally think that I’ve hit the former, and am slowly making my way towards the latter.

Usually, this is when I stop trying to act like I have all the answers and search for reason. But, like I said, in order to entertain reason, that damn tingling Inadequacy has to be ignored. To be reasonable, I have to ignore Time and Uncle Sam’s impending bang on my door—“SHOW ME THE MONNNAAAYYY!!”—and let Reason speak. If you were working, would you be able to spend as much time on studying for LSAT? If you’d been working all this time, would you have had enough free time to rediscover your interest in the law? Would you have learned so much about yourself? Would you have cared to start a blog? Would you even be writing for pleasure? To all these questions, of course, the answer is no. And while rationally, my mind is set, my emotions, the force behind my ego and pride, still wishes that somebody would take interest in me so I can stop watching everyone else be grown-ups.

-AP

Turkey Tomato Penne

Its dinner time once again! Today I tried Turkey Tomato Penne. It’s really easy and very tasty! Stop making excuses as to why you stopped through the drive thru of your favorite fast food joint because the longest part of this recipe is waiting for the penne to cook. It’s like spaghetti without the spaghetti LOL. I promise this will become a favorite for you to cook and if not, my bad. It’s officially a favorite of mine now. Enjoy!

362 calories 31g protein

12 ounces ground turkey
2 tsp chopped fresh basil (per serving)
2 tsp chopped fresh oregano
1 (16 ounce) can tomato pasta sauce
1 cup uncooked whole wheat penne pasta (per serving)

Cook turkey, basil, and oregano until cooked through. drain fat. Add tomato sauce and let simmer, covered, over low heat.
Cook pasta. Drain. Toss pasta and sauce together. Serve.

Bitch Just Be Happy!

 More and more I am noticing a trend among women. Too many women don't know how to just be happy especially when it comes to relationships. They are so emotionally damaged that they can’t believe when they have a decent thing going for them. They constantly search for something to be wrong in the relationship or harp on what has happened to them in the past and generalize the actions of one particular group. If you find yourself thinking well this has happened before it’s going to happen again then guess what.....I’m talking to you.

 Your current is not your ex. stop thinking that just because something happened in the past it’s going to happen again. Yes it is very possible, but when you create drama out of nothing just from fear or because you're so broken that you can’t take your partner for what they are at that time then you need not be in a relationship with them. You never know what a person is capable of until they do it, but when you project your insecurities from your past into your present relationship you stunt the growth of what could potentially be. If you find that you are encountering failed relationship after failed relationship you need to accept the fact that it might be you. We attract certain people into our lives and if you are constantly getting the same outcomes you need to evaluate yourself and what you are putting into a relationship. Are you deserving of a prince charming when on the inside you're still an evil stepsister. You will attract what you deserve when you cultivate those qualities in yourself.

When you constantly being up what has happened in your past and what your ex did to you, you are projecting your issues onto your current relationship. If you are afraid to even enter a relationship because what has happened before you will always be stuck in the same place. If your man has not wronged stop waiting on him to! True no relationship is perfect, but not everyone is getting shot straight to hell. When you go in thinking well "I know this niggard is going to cheat on me" you are already setting the stage for that to happen. They may have no ill intention, but thoughts have power good or bad. I’m not saying you made him cheat, but you get what outcomes you create.

Letting go is hard to do and it is completely necessary. Keep ya heart three stacks and always protect yourself, but under no circumstances should you keep yourself guarded. No one wants to get hurt, but it’s apart of love and relationships. If you constantly keep this fence around your heart you are going to end up with the same results. Eventually you will end up old and alone lmao ok not really, but you get what I’m saying. Man number 1 is not man number or 3 or 4. Everyone is different. This came from the issues in my own relationship because I don’t understand why women can’t accept that being in a relationship with me is VERY different from anyone else.

The moral of the story is bitch just be happy! If things are going great right now stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and enjoy what you have now. Something could happen or things could be peachy keen forever either way now is now and that needs to be your primary focus.

Are You Really About That YOLO Life?!

Everyone says it but who is actually using it properly? I am going to break down
the lyrics of The Motto by Drake to more clearly define Yolo and intern help you to
understand the appropriate time to use it. Let’s begin.

[Drake]

I’m the fuckin man, you don’t get it do ya?

Type of money everybody acting like they knew ya

Go Uptown, New York City Biiitch

Some Spanish girls love me like I’m Aventura

Tell Uncle Luke I’m out in Miami too

Clubbing hard, Fuckin’ women ain’t much to do

Wrist blancpain, got a condo up in Biscayne

Still getting brain from a thang, ain’t shit changed

How you feel? how you feel? how you feel?

Twenty five sittin’ on 25 mil uhh

I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself

Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’mma do it for the Bay, okay

Getting paid well holla wen ever that stop

He begins the song describing his traveling life due to his ample amount of money. He
clubs hard and fucks women because he doesn’t have much to do since he has everything.
He then goes on to explain his situation in more detail. He is 25 with $25million. His
riches allow him to get drunk which he does for his slain friend. He does inform you that
whenever he stops making money he will holler to let everyone know.

My team good, we don’t really need a mascot

Tell Tune “light one, pass it like a relay”

YMCMB you niggas more YMCA

Me, Freddie, Marley Marl at the cribbo

Shout goes out to Niko, J and Chubbs, shout to Gibbo

We got Santa Margarita by the liter

She know even if im fuckin with her, I don’t really need her

Aohhh, That’s how you feel man?

That’s really how you feel?

Cause the pimpin’ ice cold, all these bitches wanna chill

I mean maybe she won’t

Then again maybe she will

I can almost guarantee she know the deal,

Real nigga wassap

This next part is presumably due to the fact that he is drunk and feeling himself. He
explains that his team, those around him, which happen to be apart of YMCMB (Young
Money Cash Money Billionaires) are all financially stable and don’t need anyone to
represent them because they can do that on their own. He goes back to describing his
interactions with women. The women seem to understand who he is and that they aren’t
his priority but they still continue to be with him when they can.

[Chorus]

Now she want a photo

You already know though

You only live once: that’s the motto nigga YOLO

We bout it every day, every day, every day

Like we sittin’ on the bench, nigga we don’t really play

Every day, every day, f-ck what anybody say

Can’t see em cause the money in the way

Real nigga wassup?

Now to the chorus. Drake is famous with lots of money, which is why women want
photos with him. “you all ready know though” implies like in the previous verse that its
not just the photo that the women want. Sex is the next step. You only live once (YOLO)
is how he feels about that situation and does that everyday. Drake and his team don’t
play, its all about them and their business oppose to getting caught up in the women
due to the fact that there are plenty of them. He cant see anyone who doubts his YOLO
lifestyle because he has money while others don’t. He’s a real man and want to know
what’s up with the other real men.

[Lil Wayne]

One, time fuck one time

I’m calling niggas out like the umpire

Seven, grams in the blunt

Almost drowned in her p-ssy so I swam to her butt

It’s Eastside, we in this bitch

Wish a nigga would like a tree in this bitch

And if a leaf fall put some weed in that bitch

That’s my MO add a B to that shit

I’m fucked up, torn down

I’m twisted: door knob

Talk stupid, off with your head!

Nigga money talks and Mr Ed!

I’m so Young Money got a drum on the gun

Energizer bunny

Funny how honey ain’t sweet like sugar

Ain’t shit sweet niggas on the street like hookers

I tongue kiss her other tongue

Skeet skeet skeet: water gun

Oh my God, Becky, look at her butt! Tunechi

Lil Wayne jumps in the song to reiterate Drakes words. Its all about the money, sex, and
weed. His money talks for him unlike the broke men who are talking at him, hating on
the lifestyle he is able to have.

[3rd Verse - Tyga]

T-raw skinny nigga big balls

Fuck around and get Drag. Ru Paul

You funny little nigga Duval

Out of this world Total Recall

Call a bitch ride the dick like her see saw

Something like a donkey, act a ass nigga hee-haw

Ridin round in the ‘rarri wit the top off

While you in the window, man I’m probably on my next car

Aight, Mighty duck with the ice on

Real L.A. nigga chucks with the gun drawn

Drawing on your face you’re a clown jack in the box

Boy that’s your bop, she my new pum pum star

Stars in the back

Them my homies, they don’t act, acting brand new

Fuck her never call her back

Matt Forte got the bitch running back

Damn, That’s the motto you don’t know it’s like that

The Last one to grace the track is Tyga. He explains that he has big balls, meaning he
is brave and manly. The men he is describing in the verse are not manly in fact they
are possibly gay and comical. He references sex as Drake and Lil Wayne have and also
explains that he ha a Ferrari convertible. While guy are in the window looking at car
Tyga is already in his new car, once again referencing his money. He and his team do not
act because they are real men, if a lady acts up he will not call her and move on the next
one. Like Matt Forte, a football player in the running back position, she will run back to
him.

That concludes the break down of the lyrics for the Motto. Now its time to summarize.
Living the YOLO lifestyle is about having enough money between you and your friends
that will allow you all to not worry about anything. You ignore those who are talking bad
about because you have plenty of money and women that can keep you satisfied. Living
the YOLO life is about not worrying about anything because you have worked hard
enough to get to a p point where you, your friends, and family and all comfortable. You
can now just live life as if it were a big party.

So let look at some “YOLO” use examples and see if they were properly used.

“In here with my team popping bottle. We do this. YOLO!!!!”
If this were Drake or someone of his stature then this would have been used correctly,
however in most cases when I come across this its from Ray Ray up the street who has no
job or is using refund or unemployment check to make it seem as if he can hang with real
men. So the answer is NO. YOLO has been misused.

“Tweeting and driving at the same damn time! YOLO.”
NO, YOLO has been misused. You only live once is right, and it might end here if you
do this. Don’t be reckless with your life and put YOLO after it.

“Stood outside for 12 hours just to get these new Jordans. YOLO!”
NO, you just wasted 12 hours of your life for a material iten you wont care about in a
year. YOLO is about living your life, not wasting it.

“Got a promotion now I’m going to look for a house. Can’t wait to celebrate with my
team! YOLO. ”
YES, you set goals and accomplished them. Celebrate with those who got you there.
YOLO.

So think twice before you use YOLO incorrectly.

The Perks of Being a Perfectionist

A few months ago, my younger teenage sister suggested a book for me to read: The Perks of Being a Wallflower. For those who know my sister, Alex’s suggestion was definitely left-field; between the two of us, I’m the reader. So when she handed me the book with exclamations about its depth and quick pace, I was curious. So during the week of my Spring Break, I read it. It took me 12 hours to finish the small, fresh and smart book, and as much as it pained me to admit (and I’m not exaggerating by using ‘pained’), my sister’s limited taste in novels was correct. The book was powerful. Although meant to be an honest portrayal of teenage ordinariness, it impacted me, a graduate student whose preoccupation was the Harlem Renaissance and the satire embedded within color consciousness. What were the perks of my being____(insert some random label that has been attached to me for years)? What were the perks of being a graduate student besides unlimited access to the best scholars and scholarly works in the world? It dawned on me that this small book suggested that every label given to us, even the worst ones, can have some kind of a “perk” embedded within them, one that does something for you that no other label can do adequately.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told that I’m an over-achiever, a worrier, and a perfectionist (among other things, but we’ll stick with these more kind ones). I took all of these labels as negatives. Yes, I always thought that being called an “over-achiever” was an insult. I guess that speaks to a problem of society, where it’s cooler to just achieve, but that’s for another entry. Anyway, it wasn’t until I read this book that I began to see being an over-achieving, worrisome perfectionist in a different light. Yes, they have their negatives, but the perks outweigh them in value, even if it’s not in quantity. With worrying and perfectionism came the critical eye, steadfast work ethic and understanding of humanity that has anchored me throughout my entire life. From these catalysts, I developed my concept of achievement and big dreaming (called by others, “over achieving”). And I’m proud of it.

Now as I sit, writing this, my first personal blog entry for a blog by four inspired and accomplished dreamers, I consider the perks of my present condition. What are the perks of being an unemployed, recently graduated, aspiring lawyer, prepping for her LSATs in February? My answer: for the sake of this blog, some interesting damn stories.

**And in case anyone was wondering, I will be going to see the film adaptation in theatres. And yes, this was a semi-shameless plug for which, it should be mentioned, I will not be paid by Summit Entertainment, its distributor. Still, read the book, see the movie. And in that order.

Chocolate Recipe (because chocolate makes everyone's heart smile)

Yes I said it! You don’t find many people who don’t like chocolate so here a great dessert that wont leave you feeling guilty and crying in the corner. Dark chocolate is actually good for you. I’m not saying go grab a bag of dark chocolate and see how much fits into your mouth at once but don’t shun it away either. Dark chocolate reduces the risk of blood clots and also slows the process of your arteries clogging. Raisins and nuts, particularly almonds or walnuts are a great source of fiber. Fiber not only keeps you regular, but it slows the absorption of sugar into your blood. The coconut adds a touch of sweetness. This recipe is open to alterations based on your allergies or preferences. Have fun with it and enjoy with some friends.

Dark chocolate chips

Chopped Walnut or Almond Pieces

Raisins

Raw Shredded Coconut

1-tablespoon canola oil

In a double boiler combine chocolate chips and oil. Stir until completely melted. Pour onto wax paper lined tin. Make sure the chocolate is evenly spread. Sprinkle nuts, raisins, and coconut onto the chocolate. Place in the refrigerator until firm. For faster result place in the freezers for 5 to 10 minute. Cut into pieces and enjoy.

Delete That Shit

1. Weed/ Blunt Rolling Photos: No one needs to see your daily log of drug activities. It shows that you aren’t trying to get or keep a job. MY best guess is you’re either in the streets or at “the studio” most of the time.

2.      Outfit of the Day and Booty Shot Mirror Photos: Left hand on hip, right hand holds your camera phone, and your head is either tilted to the side or back depending on the angle, yes those photos. There’s a better way to show off your outfit and there’s no need for anyone to always know what you are wearing. I’m tired of seeing your bathroom or bedroom especially when it’s filthy. Get some friends or a timer on your camera.

3.      Bandz A Maker Her Dance Money Photos: The most important question when these photos are posted is, can you report that to the government? Money is cool but who wants to get mixed up in your illegal problems. I refuse to get pulled over with you.

4.      Happy 7 month to my little man, he getting so big posts: A birthday occurs every 12 months, why must people continue to celebrate every month of their children’s life? When do you stop? I get it, you love your kid but slow down on the insane posts.

5.      Sitting next to my bae, I love you posts: Do you really need to post that? What really gets me is when that person replies with I love you too. Ya’ll are sitting next to each other which means that instead of enjoying that time you are on social networking sites trying to prove you are in a relationship. That just screams happiness.

6.      Jane PuttinTheseHatazToShame Doe: That’s not on your birth certificate and that isn’t a nickname so what’s the point. You need a real hobby.

7.      Hustle Co./Hard Knocks University: So what you are really saying is you don’t have a real job and you didn’t go to college. Again, what’s the point?

8.      In the studio posts: Everyone wants to be a rapper and think that posting things like this will prove they are going to make it. Meanwhile the studio is actually in your mothers bathroom while she is working.

9.      Busting these ninjas in 2K13/yall not messing with me in this posts and photos: You have the game and you are good at it we get it. Go read a book or do some work.

10.  Gun/Weapon Photos: Why?! The captions to go along with the photos make it worse. Is your goal to incriminate yourself? Go find a job or at least a legal hobby because those photos aren’t cute unless of course you are trying to marry Jane PuttinTheseHatazToShame Doe.

11.  Middle Finger to the Haters Photos: Does your middle finger or even the peace sign have to be in every photo?! Just keep your hands to your sides and say cheese.

12.  Poppin Bottles/ Finna Get It Crackin posts and photos: You have one bottle and 12 of you all are splitting the tab. That’s cute. You really aren’t “about that life” if that happens every weekend. You are broke and need to grow up.

13.  RT for a Good Morning or Good Night S/O or RT If You Have a Twitter Account: If you don’t understand why this is apart of the list then you are the problem. Retweeting has gone to far and is all about attention.

14.  Like if you don’t want you mom to die, Keep scrolling if you do: Seems like more of a threat to me. These things have no purpose but to see how many fools feel bad scrolling.

This list can keep going but my rant ends here. Please delete that shit if it applies. Share this to make the world a better place.

Jillian Michaels Can Kiss My Ass

As I write this I am gasping for air. I decided to start on the Jillian Michaels 30 Shred and I am kicking myself in my fat ass. I typically hit the gym about 3-4 times a week focusing on cardio and strength training. Due to my hectic work schedule I decided to try something at home. Everyone in the exercise world had spoken quite highly of this workout series and I being the ever curious adventurer decided to try it for myself. I have tried P90x and Insanity so I halfway thought I knew what to expect. Wrong wrong wrong wrong.

After moving back home and being subjected to my mother’s delicious home cooked food I noticed a definite increase in my weight. I am comfortable with myself at any size, but knew things could get quickly out of hand when there is baked chicken and from scratch cakes involved.  After an exhausting day I knew I needed to get my muscles moving after having neglected my gym visits so I decided to try the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred Level 1. I watched a few minutes beforehand to get an idea and thought it seemed rather lax. How was this supposed to get me shredded and ripped in 30 days. It reminded me of the warm ups I had done in karate several years prior which I never thought of as the intense part of the workout. I guess when you have someone swinging their foot at your face jumping jacks and hip rotations seem tame, but meanwhile back at the ranch I was not initially impressed.

Once I finally put down the pita chips and hummus I was eating and actually started the workout my world view changed. I now know why the caged bird sings and it is because of this DVD. I can do two hours in the gym easily and feel great; I’m guessing because it is a self guided workout. This is designed to get as many muscles moving as possible while pushing you to your limit.  It combines cardio with weights, and strength training to get you as lean and strong as quickly as possible.

First of all I haven’t done a jumping jack in years. Once my bras had more D’s on them than Chief Keef’s report card I gave up on the idea of flying through the air. Then there are the push ups. G.I. Jane I am not. My hour long elliptical sessions have nothing on what I experienced with this. Rather than counting off reps Jillian leads you through 30 second circuits of each exercise. You quickly realize 30 seconds is actually equivalent to an eternity. A child has been born, the stock market has dropped, Keri Hilson has washed another car in the time span it has taken you to suffer through squats. Jillan encourages you not to stop for more than five seconds during each cycle which proved to be impossible. Me and my three pound weights eventually laid on the floor. Her voice is so commanding that I could practically feel her looming over me as I gasped for air. By the end muscles I didn’t know existed felt like jello, but I knew that I had actually received a rewarding workout.

I would definitely recommend this to any ambitious girls seeking an intense workout. I know that I won’t be doing this everyday just yet, but I do feel a difference in my endurance as I progress each day. It’s a great workout of you can’t make it to the gym or are looking for something more intense than just a run of the mill cycling class. The videos are available free on YouTube in addition to her yoga and fat burning workout.

10 Reasons Why Wendy Williams is My Best Friend

1. Keeps it real. No matter what. Even if it comes off a little harsh, the truth hurts.

2. Defines beauty by character.

3. Unafraid of getting emotional in front of people. That's that Cancer in her (me too!!).

4. Never shies away from talking about her own past---the good, the bad and the ugly.

5. "How you doin'?" She's hilarious.

6. Polishes her nails while watching marathons and Lifetime movies to relax (that's what I do too!!)

7. Her mouth waters when she talks about good food (so does mine!)

8. Gives pretty great advice.

9. Loves her family--from her actual family, to her studio audience family, to her Wendy Show family.

10. Names her wigs!