You think you know yourself until something shakes the
table. In the words of K.
Michelle, “don’t shake the table unless you ready to get shook.” That Love and Hip-hop
ATL moment has little to do with this post but the point is my life got shook. In
the last 2 years there has been someone who has made me realize things about
myself that I am finally allowing myself to admit.
When I was younger I never believed in astrology. Why should when I was born decide my personality? As I got older it became more apparent how true it was. I am a Gemini, which seems to explain why I am laidback, adaptable, social, unpredictable, inquisitive, inconsistent, and emotionally closed off (which is the reason I’ve been called an asshole more than once...or twice). I am learning how to express myself more honestly and in doing so I have learned to accept my true feelings.
A little over 2 years ago I was introduced to a guy who physically was my type. That’s all that I really focused on until we began to talk more frequently. I was still in school, which made me keep my distance from him because I have never been of fan of long distance relationships even if its only 2 hours. He didn’t have a car and I surely wasn’t going to be driving back and forth.
*Before I go any further I know at some points I may sound like a complete asshole but I did explain why and I am working on it so no shaking of the heads. Please and thank you.*
Anyway I tried to keep my distance to protect my feelings as he continued to become what seemed like more emotionally involved. As time went on we kept talking and I began to notice a girl writing on his Facebook page. The things she would say seemed stalker-like but emotionally driven as if they were in a relationship. His lacks of attention to it made me assume that she was crazy so I tried my best not to pay attention to it and although I tried, I was jealous. (I will never say that in person to anyone so screen shot this) My jealously about the situation led me to showing anger towards him without giving a reason.
At some point, not sure how long it had been since we had first met, I realized that the crazy girl wasn’t just crazy. They were forming a relationship. My response was to cut all ties with him, which was very difficult because we have mutual friends and still ended up at the same events. I continued to have an attitude towards him because that was all the emotion I was willing to show.
The last time I saw him was early in this year, which was a complete disaster. We argued a lot and I was a complete jerk. I brushed it off and we hadn’t spoken until last month. He added me as a FB friend and I responded with a message (instead of simply adding him) asking why he added me. That led to us having a phone conversation discussing everything. I explained that him starting a relationship with someone else was the reason for my horrible attitude and he apologized. For some reason he was under the impression that I wasn’t very interested in him. Not sure how he got that from my over affectionate personality.
After that talk I was happy I had finally explained my attitude but I failed to explain how I felt about him currently. He is the only person I have really been intrigued by, physically and emotionally. My mother even likes him for me. The problem is that no one takes me seriously. I prefer to tell people how I think I should be feeling rather than how I am really feeling which just leads to no one taking me seriously when I say certain intentions.
My frustrations boiled over this past weekend when I realized he is who I want, but I won’t allow myself to have him. Although he is unhappy in his current situation she is smitten, to a point of obsession. Deep down I don’t want to hurt anyone in order to make myself happy. Despite the fact that she has said disrespectful thinks about me, even though we have never met in person, I don't want to step outside of my character in order to step down to her level. I can’t guarantee that him and I would work out anyway. Going back to astrology, Geminis and Scorpios have not had the best success rate in relationships, but if I was ever given the opportunity to give it a try, I would. Life is about taking risks and learning from them. I’m learning about myself in hopes of becoming a better person.
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