Put Me In, Coach

Today is not one of my best days. My LSAT competency is lacking, and the realization that my six-month grace vacation from Uncle Sam is slowly but surely coming to an end. I have had to result to using my credit card after working really hard to pay them off for an investment into what I hope to be my bright future. I knew the LSAT was costly, but who knew that the admission process, and I do not mean the application fees, would cost so much. And now it’s raining. How poetic. God must empathize with me. As I watch the rain fall quietly from my bedroom window, online LSAT practice manuals resting at the bottom of my computer’s taskbar, I am trying really hard to live in this moment. But I must say it is a task to think about the present when the future looms in the color of uncertainty. That last sentence sounded so gloomy. But it’s true.

I can’t seem to make sense out of why nobody wants to hire me. Of course, I understand all the arguments of reason and rationality supplied to me by so many of my friends and family. But emotionally, reason makes no sense. And it shouldn’t make sense. Reason and emotion lie on separate ends of the spectrum. Rarely can they converge. Let alone do so harmoniously. At least, I’ve never seen it happen well in my life. Emotionally, for me, not being called for a Secretary job is like being told, “I don’t like you” or “You’re not good enough to answer my phones.” Not being called for a really cool job at the Chicago Sun Times or CBS feels like, “You’re not cool enough” or “You’re not skilled enough.” At the core of my emotional self, I feel that tingling sensation of inadequacy that can send a self-proclaimed perfectionist into hysteria or manic depression. I personally think that I’ve hit the former, and am slowly making my way towards the latter.

Usually, this is when I stop trying to act like I have all the answers and search for reason. But, like I said, in order to entertain reason, that damn tingling Inadequacy has to be ignored. To be reasonable, I have to ignore Time and Uncle Sam’s impending bang on my door—“SHOW ME THE MONNNAAAYYY!!”—and let Reason speak. If you were working, would you be able to spend as much time on studying for LSAT? If you’d been working all this time, would you have had enough free time to rediscover your interest in the law? Would you have learned so much about yourself? Would you have cared to start a blog? Would you even be writing for pleasure? To all these questions, of course, the answer is no. And while rationally, my mind is set, my emotions, the force behind my ego and pride, still wishes that somebody would take interest in me so I can stop watching everyone else be grown-ups.

-AP