A month or so ago I wrote this in hopes to fix what I
thought was wrong….
I don’t know about you all but time has never seemed to be on my side.
Time is the only thing with such a wide span but yet seems to be the cause of
so much frustration in my life. I never seem to have enough time when it comes
to certain things…..things being relationships. Am I the reason as to why
relationships I think I want cant seem to blossom into what I had originally
imagined? My latest downfall seems to be hurting the most. We began talking
around December and it looks like we have come to an end now in September. What
may seem in so much time to spend together we only had a few meetings. While
those few meetings felt like forever we didn’t last that long. This post is for
me to mentally understand what I could have done for this not to have happened,
in hopes for could have to become can do.
I
am someone who hates to sit still or be in the house for long periods of time.
Due to that issue I always planned ahead, especially on the weekends, so that I
would never have an issue of what to do. You however were quite opposite and
failed to plan until the last minute. You would ask, I would decline due to
have plans that were previously made. To make myself feel better I would invite
you along, not thinking that maybe you didn’t want to be with other people and
just wanted time for us. I understand now and apologize. In most cases my plans
were not crucial and could have been changed but me being who I am don’t like
to change things because of one person. You had your own issues with time
management but I feel that you already know that.
I
hope that we can try again now that I have realized how I have hindered the
possibility of our future. I promise to communicate and compromise with whoever
I end up in a relationship with in hopes that time will be cherished by the
both of us.
So can we try
this again….what did the fish say after running into a wall?
Things seemed to get better until they got worse and I
decided enough was enough and officially ended things. Last week things blew up
and I had to call my fellow PGSD writers/besties in to have a vodka and cake
night. Don’t judge, that combinations helps life, at least for me. My emotions
were running high and I couldn’t express myself. The past week I pushed
everything to the side and focused on other things until this morning when I
getting ready to start my day and listening to Elle Varners Perfectly
Imperfect. Stop the Clock was on. The lyrics “This will be the last time,
through with letting you keep me on the sideline, they say insanity is doing
all the same things and thinking that you’re going to get a different ending”
stood out. I had decided to only talk to him and see where things went. The
problem was that they weren’t going anywhere and I continued to assume I was
the problem because normally it is me. He was the problem. I was always told
that he should like you more than you like him. I thought that was what was
happening but in reality I wasn’t realizing how much I actually liked him.
Every time I’d think that things were over he would reach out and I would
forgive him not realizing that we were nothing but a rotating circle of
bullshit. I have finally looked at the situation as a whole honestly and
finally saw the real him. I’m thankful that this happened, I got to meet a man
that was as good or better at playing the game than me. Every experience comes
with a lesson. I’ve stopped our clock now its time to start mine back up.
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