Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job. It is everything I prayed for when I was looking. However, I didn’t consider would I be able to handle what comes with it. When it comes to me, and I am trying to prove something, or do my best, there is no off switch. It is constantly on, at all times.
I check my email at dinner, out with friends, type responses, and then hit send. (had to have a brief Dr. Seuss moment) I recently had a startling revelation. Yeah I go out, have fun, hangout with friends and family, but what else? When I looked up, what have I added to my life besides work in the past year and some change out of school? A couple of weeknights at a Zumba class? A couple of stagnant volunteer opportunities?
How did I let it get to a point where I was sufficient with just working? In high school and college, I was that girl that was involved in EVERYTHING. I volunteered, planned events, sang in choirs, hung out with all sorts of people, and tried new things. I let that girl get away from me. I lost her.
What happened to the girl who wanted to design? Who wrote when she was feeling sad? Who swore in her downtime she would do anything possible to make her film production dreams come true? What happened to the girl who wanted to take up guitar and perform in cafes on the weekend to yuppies uptown? Where is the girl that wanted to change a youth’s life with her insight on how to experience life out of the hood?
I thought I lost her. However, last night I realized I let that girl play pretend. I let her convince herself that if she worked hard enough, and lived a little here and there it would be enough; But that’s not enough. How have I let this game of pretend continue on for so long?
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