I find it quite difficult to make decisions about my future.
I feel like it is due to the fact that I have never been given the opportunity
to make those decisions on my own. In some cases I understand why but now I’m
left here standing alone confused. When it was time to decide what I high
school I wanted to attend I thought I don’t want to go to any high school but
since it’s a law to attend high school up until a certain age I want go where
my crush at the time was going. The problem with that is that it was a private
school and my mother did not want to pay that tuition which now I understand.
At the time though I was not a happy camper. I ended up going to a college prep
around where I lived.
High school was not my cup of tea. I did my work and did
what I had to graduate. I tried my best to keep my personal completely separate
which is why I only made a few friends, who I would do anything for now, and
cant remember many other people other than them. When it came time to decide my
next move, college was mandatory according to my family. I applied to three
colleges. One was for the location (Xavier University), one was a safety
(University of Illinois), and the other was my dream school (Spelman College).
I got accepted to all of them, which opened my family up to their opinions. I
knew where I was going, my dream school, until once again my mother decided
where I would go. She chose my safety school because of the location and
tuition. I understood the reasoning but my state of mind when I moved into my
first dorm and looked at the students around me was “aint this a bunch of
bullshit”.
The University of Illinois and Spelman College were two
completely different environments. The main three things that bothered me the
most about the University of Illinois was the fact that it was huge, black
people were hard to come by, and I had to see people from high school. My
attitude about U of I never really changed, in fact it got worse. I was fine
with partying but I had to go to class as well and that just wasn’t my thing. I
was not motivated to attend classes that had 500+ students. I decided to stop
being a science major and switch to art. The classes were smaller which gave
room to get to know a the racists bastards and require me to listen to their
racist comments. Don’t get me wrong, not everyone was like that but a lot of the
ones who were grading and advising me were.
I became an art education major, which I enjoyed when I was
around the right staff. I was required to take a teaching course where I was
given two instructors and two advisors. The two advisors were who I dealt with
when teaching and the two instructors decided my final grade. I was a junior at
this point and knew that I would be staying two extra years if everything went
as planned. When it came time to receive my final grade I was told that I would
have to take the course over. Mentally I couldn’t handle it. The advisors and
instructors would be the same and I would have to put up with the same
bullshit. Never once had any said that I was not doing well despite meeting
with them weekly. What really pissed me off was that I was the only black and
my student partner was one of the two Hispanics in the course. Both of us were
required to repeat the class. I knew it was not us, it was our advisors. She repeated
the class but I refused to go through the same things that obviously didn’t
work for me to begin with. I didn’t not want to go to that school in the first
place and now I was told that I was being held back which would add an extra
year to my already 6 year college plan.
I had become mentally broken and sunk into depression that I
tried my best to hide. I cried nightly and could not take it anymore. One day
towards the end of the semester I called my mom and told her that I was going to
drop out because this is not what I wanted for my life, nothing that U of I
offered was of interest to me and I was tired of being treated like little
orphan Annie. The thing about my mom is that you don’t mess with her babies.
She wasn’t going to take anyone messing with me and came down the following
day. The advisors created a program for me that was art education but instead
of being certified to teach everywhere I could only teach in private institutions.
That was fine by me because I didn’t want to teach any longer, I just wanted to
get the hell out.
May 2012 I crossed that stage. I ironically had to receive
my diploma cover from the one who said I had to repeat the course. I put on the
fakest smile and gave her a very limp handshake. After leaving U of I, I had
two courses remaining to complete before they could mail my diploma. I had to
take any education lecture course and Spanish 3. I took my education course
online over the summer and I am currently finishing up my Spanish 3 class. In
December I will be done with my association to the University of Illinois and
can move the fuck on (and I mean every word of that).
2013 will bring me face to face with the real truth. I have
a degree I don’t have any intention of using except for saying, “yea I
graduated college, and it’s from a “great” school”. There are so many options
and this time its all up to me to make the decide what’s next. I am interested
in baking and event planning but I am also broke. I want to go to culinary
school. I want find and event planning internship. I want to have money…I need
to have money. Me sometimes working at a Department store does not cut it. I
have no idea what to do. I owe close to $30,000 plus interest in students loans.
I don’t need to take out more loans but what a few thousand more to actually
attend a school that has what I am passionate about. With each path comes
positives and negatives. I’m unsure of how to determine what path to take.
If I do decide to back to school for baking it wouldn’t be
until the fall so I will be able to get financial assistance, which mean more
loans. Until then I would need to do something temporary to occupy my time and
help me. Working is an option but I need to be able to find something that
gives me steady hours, unlike my current situation.
Instead of school I could find an event planning internship.
The issue with that is that most of them are unpaid and require a lot of time
that would prevent many from working else where. I also lack experience in the
field compared to others I would be competing against for the position.
Then there’s the option of finding a full time job. I would
be getting paid but I probably would not being doing anything I am interested
in. It would help me save money for my move to Charlotte and allow me to begin
paying off my student loans.
Three very different options that I’ve been looking at for
awhile. I’m not sure what to do but I’m grateful it is my decision. I can’t
blame anyone but myself for the results of my decision. As Spanish 3 comes to
an end and the new year rapidly approaches I get more anxious. How does one
simply choose a path that affect life so greatly? Maybe I’m over thinking
things but I cant help but reflect on my past when trying to decide and it
scares me.
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